Tag: Taurus

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, june 12

     the daily humorscope     

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Aries              (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.
Taurus              (April 20 – May 20)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer.  The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do.” (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Gemini              (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.   
Cancer              (June 21 – July 22)
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the “Bob” invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it.  Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.
Leo              (July 23 – August 22)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken.” It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.   
Virgo              (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day to shuffle your feet.  Remember: it’s OK to shuffle your feet or to shuffle your cards, but you should never shuffle your nose.
Libra              (September 23 – October 22)
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles.  After that, trust no one.   
Scorpio              (October 23 – November 21)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold.  Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names.  Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light.  Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe.  (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Sagittarius              (November 22 – December 21)
People are starting to take you a bit too seriously.  Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.
Capricorn              (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems.  You will call it SchizoSoft.  Your motto: “Who Do You Want To Be Today?”
Aquarius              (January 21 – February 18)
Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you.  This is a good time to be afraid.   
Pisces              (February 19 – March 20)
Your requests are being ignored.  Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as “Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming.”

Your Love Horoscopes for the Week of June 11th

The weekend gets off to a mellow start with the mood-setting Moon traveling through easygoing Taurus on Friday and Saturday. Simple activities that calm the nerves and please the senses invite closeness. There is, though, a stubborn side to the Bull, making flexibility hard to find. The energy changes dramatically after the Moon shifts into airy and adaptable Gemini in the wee hours of Sunday morning. Keeping things light and breezy allows you to connect with others without going too deep.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Take a deep breath and slow everything down if you want to catch the love train this weekend. The Moon is moseying along in placid Taurus on Friday and Saturday when patience will be highly appreciated. Enjoy the sweet moments of life as if you have all the time in the world. Sensual activities like massage and music should be particularly satisfying, especially when shared with the right person. The pace picks up considerably after the evocative Moon moves into flirtatious Gemini early on Sunday morning.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Set work aside to indulge in pleasure during this delicious weekend. The Moon is shining in your sensual sign on Friday and Saturday to remind you of how desirable you can be when you’re not trying to make an impression. Delighting in nature, music, art or some good food with someone special enriches any type of relationship. It’s time to mingle if you’re single; celebrating the joy of being yourself is likely to attract plenty of interesting company. The Moon’s shift into flirty Gemini on Sunday morning won’t give you much time to rest. Put on your party shoes and dance!

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Try not to overload your schedule or exhaust your mind with too many plans and activities this weekend. The Moon is hanging out in tranquil Taurus and your 12th House of Privacy on Friday and Saturday, which is ideal for spending time alone or relaxing with an easygoing individual. You will attract more than your share of attention once the Moon enters your sociable sign on Sunday morning. But until then playing the strong and silent type is your best strategy.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

The company of supportive friends is especially welcome this Friday and Saturday with the dependable Taurus Moon occupying your 11th House of Groups. Participating in a community project or doing volunteer work is a wonderful way to meet someone new or to put your current relationship in a healthier place. Sunday’s lunar shift into your 12th House of Solitude is perfect for scheduling some quiet time alone or with one undemanding person.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

People are relying on you to be steady and responsible with the Moon’s presence in earthy Taurus and your 10th House of Authority on Friday and Saturday. Taking the initiative in organizing social activities puts you in a good light as long as you’re not too pushy in your approach. Keeping plans simple so you can enjoy yourself without having to worry about minor details shows off both your reliable and playful sides. Sunday’s Gemini Moon lights up your 11th House of Groups, indicating that the party is just getting started. Work can feel like play if you are mixing with the right crowd.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

The sensual Taurus Moon is traveling through your 9th House of Beliefs and Faraway Places on Friday and Saturday. People and experiences from different cultures can provide a sense of adventure in a safe situation. Connecting with someone through a school function or religious event might also ignite sparks now. Sunday’s energy is different, though, with the jittery Gemini Moon hanging out at the top of your chart, inspiring your curiosity and overloading you with obligations.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Dealing with a stubborn partner could be a tricky issue on Friday and Saturday. The Moon in slow-to-change Taurus occupies your 8th House of Deep Sharing, which can indicate a difference of opinions over values, desires, sex or money. Luckily, patience and practicality are the keys that can open the door to intimacy. Avoid a direct challenge as a more subtle approach now will bring a much sweeter outcome. The air clears on Sunday morning when the Moon shifts into friendly Gemini and your 9th House of Adventure. Free your mind and the rest will follow.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Relationships are rocking this weekend, starting with the Moon in loyal Taurus and your 7th House of Partners on Friday. Projecting a calm sense of authority is irresistible to others, kicking a current alliance into a higher gear or attracting the attention of someone new. Practicing patience pays big dividends now so don’t put pressure on yourself or anyone else to make the magic happen. Committing to any one plan is tricky business once the Moon enters fickle Gemini and your 8th House of Intimacy on Sunday morning.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

The earthy Taurus Moon in your 6th House of Service is not the ideal cosmic alignment for cultivating romance this weekend. Still, you could enhance your relationship life by effectively collaborating with someone on a project. Forget about making big promises, when sticking to the little ones is enough to make a positive impression. Sunday’s great for connecting with those you love since an early morning lunar transit into talkative Gemini and your 7th House of Partners gets the conversational ball rolling.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Clear your calendar of responsibilities so that you have plenty of free time to play this weekend. The sensual Taurus Moon’s presence in your 5th House of Romance on Friday and Saturday is an invitation to open your heart and have some fun. You don’t have to do anything elaborate to attract the attention of someone new or to arouse interest from your current partner. Indulging in simple pleasures can be a special bonding experience. The Moon’s move into busy Gemini and your 6th House of Details early on Sunday morning gently reminds you to attend to practical matters.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You might want to stick close to home on Friday and Saturday with the Moon sinking into your 4th House of Roots. A quiet retreat is likely to be more fulfilling now than being out and about in a noisy crowd. Entertaining at your place, though, could create some emotional magic. Sunday’s another story as flirtatious behavior comes naturally and you attract plenty of attention with the chatty Gemini Moon lighting up your playful 5th house.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

If you’ve been waiting for the right time for an important conversation, Friday or Saturday might do the trick. The Moon is in calm and reasonable Taurus and your 3rd House of Communication, giving you an excellent opportunity to express yourself clearly. Yet even a casual chat could lead to a deeper connection if you take the time to share what’s on your mind. Shaking things up at home helps make Sunday a stimulating and memorable day.

Daily Horoscopes for Sunday, June 10

We’re able to perceive very subtle messages today that we might otherwise miss, but being so sensitive can also create problems. The psychic Pisces Moon makes it difficult to tell if we are imagining something or if it is real. We may feel socially awkward as the Moon’s midday square with sensual Venus magnifies our desires. Nevertheless, we’re still inclined to act before we think as clever Mercury forms a magical quintile with impulsive Mars.
Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You had your heart set on doing something fun with your friends today, but as the time draws near, you might feel like bailing on your plans and taking some quiet time to contemplate your future. However, the universe encourages you to be more socially active now. Whatever happens, don’t get caught up in someone else’s drama. You can still find peace of mind as long as you pay attention to your own feelings, even in the midst of a noisy party.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You may resist sharing your feelings because you don’t want your friends to think that you’re being negative. Maybe you’ve been waiting for the right moment to tell everyone what’s on your mind, yet it never seems like a good time. You might be annoyed today that you haven’t spoken your truth, and it is tempting to blame an outsider. Instead, take full responsibility for your emotions and express them without pointing your finger at anyone else. Others will appreciate your integrity once you’ve cleared the air.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You are extremely susceptible to whatever your friends and family tell you now. Although your desires can be quite different from other people’s expectations, you don’t want to create a scene over a petty disagreement. However, your frustration may turn to anger if you decide to do what someone else wants rather than following your own instincts. It’s certainly smarter to get your feelings out into the open than to let them stew in resentment. The sooner you share what’s in your heart, the better.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

Your dreams are too big to keep hidden now and you might continue feeding them with your fantasies all day long. Unfortunately, your vision is too idealistic to  integrate into your everyday life in a practical way. Nevertheless, your mental meanderings serve a definite purpose, encouraging you to explore all of the possibilities before you and all of the magic within. Allow your imagination to wander today; you never know where it will take you.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

You seem to know exactly what to say and your words have a positive effect on others today. But even if you have a solid plan, you are likely to ignore it once a conversation starts. Stay in the present moment now rather than trying to follow a particular script. Step boldly into unknown territory, but beware that you probably won’t end up where you expected.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

It’s challenging to concentrate on the details in order to make certain that what you’re working on today doesn’t fall apart. But you might be trying to exert too much control over things that just don’t matter in the long run. Instead of wasting time attempting to control external events, you’re free to focus your attention anywhere you want. Establishing sensible priorities now enables you to make progress more than anything else.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Your overly dramatic attempts to convince your friends how efficient you are might backfire if you try too hard today. You are more likely to make an error in judgment now if you act under pressure. Adopt a more laid-back approach so you don’t appear desperate. Give yourself more time to finish your work and don’t worry so much about what others think.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

It’s nearly impossible to know how you will react if a close friend brings a complex problem to you today. You really want to be supportive, but might discover that your eagerness to help quickly turns into resentment. Process your frustrations before they manifest negative consequences. Trust your instincts; you are more brilliant now than you realize.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You may want a quiet day at home, away from your regular responsibilities. However, even if you attempt to schedule your weekend so that you have plenty of downtime, don’t be surprised if you end up taking on more than you planned. Compassion, rather than ambition, motivates you to help a family member, friend or even someone you don’t know. The more you give, the more you get.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Your sixth sense is highly active today and it can be startling at first if you suddenly realize something that you haven’t yet been told. Remember that your regular rational approach won’t work now because you may not be able to explain your current insights. Instead of putting up defenses because you feel uncomfortable, stay open to the waves of intuition flooding your awareness. Don’t question this magical process; instead, act on a hunch as if you believe it’s true.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You may be annoyed with someone who doubts the wisdom of your choices because it feels as if your core values are being questioned. Normally, you can stand up for yourself, but words seem to fail you now. The harder you try to make your point, the more flustered you are today. Take a few steps backward so you can regroup and then state your case. Defend your decision and let your performance stand on its own merit.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You might be happier today if you don’t have too many prior commitments on your calendar. Naturally, you won’t be able to avoid certain responsibilities, but the less you have on your schedule now, the better. Just remember this isn’t about being lazy; it’s about staying attuned to your own internal clock rather than conforming to everyone else’s agendas.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, june 10

the daily humorscope

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Today you will realize that it’s impossible to truly “control” anything, even yourself, and that the best you can hope for is to have some “influence” over yourself and your surroundings. This will make you feel better, before the pink slip arrives.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

You’ve heard that when economists use the word “nice”, they’re actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is “like, totally kewl.”

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.

 

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you’ll need a lot of twine.

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

Good day to avoid pickled herring.

 

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What’s more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to “never look a gift horse in either end.”

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

 

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

What fun! You’ll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a “pink slip.” Sounds like party attire to me!

 

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone else’s. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.

 

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they’re smirking with you, not at you.

 

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door.

 

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you’ll never get rid of that irritating wobble.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for June 10

For the most part, yesterday’s softer and more nurturing cosmic tone remains in place. However, a Mercury-Pallas square of 90-degrees (12:33AM PDT) is an early signal that problem-solving may be difficult to accomplish this morning. This Mercury-Pallas challenging aspect reminds you to avoid mental burnout and useless worrying.  Meanwhile, healing forces are back on the march – courtesy of the monthly Moon-Chiron union in Pisces (6:29AM PDT) – reinforced by their parallel at 8:13AM PDT. Tune into your morning dreams and visions. Write down revelations and consider their wider meaning in the next 48 hours since Chiron is about to become virtually motionless tomorrow night as this unusual comet-like celestial body begins a reversal that lasts until November 14.  There is more excitement and stimulation arriving on the scene this morning since the Sun forges an inspirational, 72-degree link with Uranus (7:44AM PDT) while Ceres in Taurus opposes Juno in Scorpio (9:10AM PDT). The Sun-Uranus encounter encourages advanced studies in metaphysics, science and kindred subjects. The Ceres-Juno polarity is a reminder to treat dear ones, friends and associates with respect and understanding. Be a good listener in matters of the heart and steer clear of arm-twisting maneuvers to prove a point.  Maintain a clear consciousness this evening as Mercury makes an inspirational, 72-degree link to Mars (8:30PM PDT). This is also a good aspect when it comes to diving into your favorite arts, crafts, hobbies and construction projects.  Get set for a day of profound changes and shifts in mood tomorrow as giant Jupiter changes signs, Mercury connects with two of the outer planets, and Chiron pauses in Pisces on its way into a five-month retreat.