Since there has been reports of unsafe hex going on over the last few years resulting in the loss of several viable members within the community it has been brought to my attention that there is the need to present safety tips for those of us who dare to venture beyond our own “safe” houses.

These experiences have been very well documented and put up on the silver screen for all to see. For those of you who have not paid attention to the documentation, this is the official Halloween Public Service Announcement.Take note, so each and every one of you all can have an enjoyable Holiday.

1. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc.

2. Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep ‘Redrum’ in stock.

3. Castles are not normally found in the American Midwest. Be wary.

4. Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.

5. If priests won’t or can’t enter your home, start looking for a new home.

6. If the house you’re in tells you to “GO AWAY”, do so immediately.

7. If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area immediately, if not sooner.

8. If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there is no exit, make one.

9. If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately or else you will quickly die.

10. If entering your room you put your hand in a kind of sticky/slimy/resinous kind of substance that was not there before, turn and run immediately.

11. It is very, very dangerous to back into, or through rooms.

12. Never put your back to or lean on a door.

13. If a unknown creature is locked inside of a pantry, closet, etc, don’t open it.

14. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

15. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those that appear that they would break easily.

16. If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and spewing body fluids, it’s time to leave.

17. Don’t look under the bed.

18. If your dance partner has no reflection, chances are s/he just might be a vampire.

19. Never take a bath or shower with a maniac/spirit/demon/creature in the house.

20. As tempting as it is, don’t have sex until the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is dead. For some unknown reason, the maniac/spirit/demon/creature will aways be attracted to sexually active couples — at precisely the wrong time.

    • Note: Vampires like virgin blood. So this is the one and only time where the “no having sex” rule doesn’t apply. Have fun!

    • … but first make sure your partner is not a vampire.  Check in a mirror.

21. If you’ve hidden from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature and you are not found, do not peek from or decide it’s safe to leave your hiding place. If you do decide to leave, scan the ground for twigs before you take a step.

22. Don’t try to kill the maniac/spirit/demon/creature. Chances are good that it will never die; it’s got to be around for the sequels to kill your kids, remaining family, and/or the people you sold the house to.

23. When it appears that you have killed the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, DO NOT check to see if he/she/it is really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you.

    • Note: If you hack it into tiny pieces, you run the risk of the pieces                  regenerating. Then you’ll have a dozen of the buggers to deal with.

24. If you’ve shot at the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, shoot it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and then keep shooting till you’re out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything except demons and spirits.Then get the heck out of there!

25. Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.

26. If you’ve just finished running over the maniac/spirit/demon/creature in your car, keep going. Most certainly do not get out of the car under any circumstances to see if he/she/it is “really” dead.

27. The more people the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is distracted by, the better “your” chance of escape.

28. The more cowardly you are, the more likely you are to get eaten. Do the minimum amount to help others.

29. When you have the benefit of numbers, never, ever, pair off, or go in alone.

30. If demons begin possessing your companions, it’s a good idea to leave the area as soon, and as quickly as possible.