Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

When’s the last time you did something nice for Doug? Sure, he’s cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he’s a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch?

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone’s office window.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you’ll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you’re in.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Your ancestors were berserkers — feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally “snap out of it”, you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don’t let them see you during a full moon, however.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody loves a labyrinth.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of “despot”? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’re having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It’s hard. But I’ve learned to live without mine, most of the time.)

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Beware of iguanas, today.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Time heals all wounds, yes. But that’s not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It’s a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You’ll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid.” And always do that little two-finger wave and say “engage”, when you start off, of course.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That’s just the kind of inconsiderate behaviour people are starting to expect from you, too.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Someone will tell you that you “run funny”. Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn’t see you throwing a baseball.)

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Beware of Doug.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

It’s ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They’re probably just jealous.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

It’s time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when’s the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don’t go into the light, ok? The extra point isn’t worth it.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Someone named “Bob” is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you’re in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Beware of Doug.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win.” The second law says “you can’t break even.” The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight.”

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You’ll need to use Tip #39 of my book “101 Ways To Break The Ice”: Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as “YOU’RE Bill Smith???” “Uh, yes” “Well, you sure can’t believe everything you hear, can you?” “What do you mean?” “Well, it’s just that you don’t look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all.”

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won’t be laughing at you, you’ll be laughing with you.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is “Help! Help!”

 

     Aries (March 21 – April 19)