the daily humorscope

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to “Bob”, and take up residence with you. Eventually, you’ll become best friends.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will hear a mysterious “whapping” sound as you are passing by a church today. Curiosity will get the better of you, and you will peek inside. To your relief you will discover it’s only the nuns, playing a quick game of dodge-ball.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it’s a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You’ll find more, and very “interesting”, uses for cocktail umbrellas today.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Ian McHarg once said, “Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth.” You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: “So?”

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron”. You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will finally get the television exposure you’ve been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying “Down With Gravity!”.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name “Throckmorton”. (The plant, not the office. Obviously, “Throckmorton” is a completely inappropriate name for an office. “Wiggins” is a good name for your office, if it doesn’t already have a name.)