Tag: Ukraine

the daily humorscopes for monday, august 22

the daily humorscope

Monday, August 22, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word “plumbaginous” in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Someone will ask you for your advice. Don’t give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter “Much bad juju”, and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You’ll have a freakish number of plumbing difficulties, today. This is due in part to the age of your plumbing fixtures, but mostly it’s because Neckna, Queen of the Undines, has taken a strong dislike towards you, due to some rather harsh words you’ve had to say about the weather lately.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. Of course, where you’re actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will be struck by the notion that “Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive”. You have a mind of great depth and profundity.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscenti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will insist on being called “El Magnifico”, today. There will be some grumbling among the peasants.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
So. You let your “mole plants” die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn’t work, there’s a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Summer is almost over, and you know what that means: office supplies! Any reputable biologist will tell you that we humans have a powerful biological urge to buy office supplies when the weather turns cooler. Many societies disguise this by using the “back to school” euphemism. In your case, you should give in to your natural tendencies – fighting isn’t healthy.

On This Day…….

On this day…

July 11: Naadam in Mongolia begins; Day of the Flemish Community of Belgium

Philippe Pétain

  • 1405 – Chinese explorer Zheng He led a massive fleet of 317 ships from Suzhou on a trade mission to India.
  • 1833 – Noongar warrior Yagan, wanted for leading attacks on white colonists in Western Australia, was killed, becoming a symbol of the unjust and sometimes brutal treatment of the indigenous peoples of Australia by colonial settlers.
  • 1940 – French World War I hero Philippe Pétain (pictured) became Chief of State of Vichy France.
  • 1943 – In a massive ethnic cleansing operation, units of the Ukrainian Insurgent Army attacked various Polish villages in the Volhynia region of present-day Ukraine, killing the Polish civilians and burning those settlements to the ground.
  • 1978 – A tanker truck loaded with 23 tons of highly flammable liquid propylene caught fire and exploded in Alcanar, Spain, killing 217 people and severely burning 200 others.