Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will build a better mousetrap, but nobody will beat a path to your door. Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator, though, and will make sandwiches.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You’ll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Good time to compliment your friends. If you can’t think of anything else to say, tell them they’re looking “very buff.” That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they’ll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you’ll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call “Bubba-Bonics.”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millennium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don’t stand a chance.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will discover that you’ve always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it’s not your home.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That’s just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You’ll need to use Tip #39 of my book “101 Ways To Break The Ice”: Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as “YOU’RE Bill Smith???” “Uh, yes” “Well, you sure can’t believe everything you hear, can you?” “What do you mean?” “Well, it’s just that you don’t look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all.”

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will figure out how to avoid your enemies, much to their bafflement. Basically, if you’re walking along and the background music changes to a kind of eerie theme, and the volume begins to increase…turn around and go the other way. Simple, huh?