Tag: Grigori Rasputin

the daily humorscopes for friday, july 15th

the daily humorscope 

Friday, July 15, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will design a really wonderful new type of placemat, today, and it will make you fantastically wealthy, providing you get it on the market before your competitors.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway — that’s always fun.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud “smooching” sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying “these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don’t they?” I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that’s a plus.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
While attending a seance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!

the daily humorscopes for monday, july 11th

the daily humorscope

Monday, July 11, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don’t, if you’re going to be stuffy. It’s your life.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note’s author wishes to engage in “snuggle bunnies” with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
While attending a séance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the “Bob” invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you’ll meet an angel, but don’t let on that you know who she really is.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the current decade.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken.” It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like “Arrrr”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, june 15

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel “100 Years Of SPAM!” decorative wallclock.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making “Ark! Ark!” sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let ’em, I say.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you’ll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you’re part of a big “family.” Or at least, that’s what you’ll say.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
While attending a sance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop”. That’s a bad habit, anyway.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win”. The second law says “you can’t break even”. The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that’s not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to “The Mongol Horde”, you might take notice.