Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a “sticky wicker”, as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Dorothy Parker once said “if you can’t say anything nice, come sit next to me.” Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Excellent day to run a new metaphor up the flagpole, and see if anyone salutes.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the current decade.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you’re going to do something, do it well.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan’s Island episode.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don’t let it make those annoying “yip yip yip” sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: “Who Do You Want To Be Today?”

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

What you need, mainly, is computerized shoes. Try to get the ones with the built-in serial port, so you can download a different average speed and average daily distance, to impress people. And you might as well get the ambient temperature readout, GPS, and pager options while you’re at it.