the daily humorscopes for 3/29

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody’s guess.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You’ll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a “squid fling.” Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will accidentally step on someone’s foot, and they will say “Ow!”. That’s when I usually say “No pain, no gain.” Sometimes people don’t like me. I’ve never figured out why.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Confucious said “Choose a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never “worked” a day, himself. I wouldn’t take what he said too literally, in your case.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will discover proof that Sports Utility Vehicles are tangible evidence of Evil. Sadly, others will fail to heed your warnings.

 

Horoscopes for 1/21

 

General Daily Horoscope

 

Although the expressive Leo Moon suggests that everything is as it appears today, our fantasies can still lead us astray. An unexpected twist of fate is indicated by a complex aspect pattern based upon a seven-pointed star. We try to solve problems logically when the Moon shifts into analytical Virgo at 6:10 pm EST. But a magical quintile between romantic Venus and imaginative Neptune intensifies our dreams, making it tough to sort out the truth.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Even if you think that you can power your way through the day, you may need to slow down and get one task done right before pushing on to the next one. Finishing a job doesn’t always mean that you’ve done it correctly. Take time to consider the logistics of what you are doing or you could be frustrated later when you discover that you must go back and redo something that you believed was already completed.

 

 

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Establishing a steady pace improves your chances of reaching your destination today, but you might feel that someone wants you to work faster. Instead of sacrificing quality for increased production, you must find the courage to set reasonable boundaries. Don’t be afraid to let everyone know exactly what you can and cannot do. Then, follow up by doing the best job you can. Fortunately, others will eventually recognize your positive contribution when you show the results of your work.

 

 

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Maintaining your focus can be quite challenging today, for your mind wanders around rather than concentrating on the task at hand. Still, you are aware of the pressure that others are placing on you now and you want to make every effort to do your part. However, a minor distraction is enough to lead you on a major detour. Don’t waste energy being hard on yourself if you get off track and waste too much time. Just remember to bring your attention back to what you were doing before moving on to what’s next.

 

 

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

It makes you anxious if others try to make you work harder today. It isn’t that you’re unable to meet their demands; you would just rather be in charge of your own schedule. Be careful; you might have to suppress your rebellious attitude for a while as you do the best you can to fulfill your obligations. Thankfully, your extra effort won’t go unnoticed.

 

 

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

It’s been challenging to keep your emotions in check while the Moon has been traveling through your dramatic sign. Although you’re quite skilled at presenting yourself in the best possible light, you may be unsuccessful in pretending that everything is fine today. Don’t hide your warm heart under cold efficiency. You can still finish your work while also being honest about your feelings.

 

 

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Your perceptions are even more accurate now than usual, but this doesn’t mean you should act on every conclusion you reach. Your analysis may not be as balanced today as you think. Caution is advised because you tend to focus on the imperfections in others and yourself. An intelligent strategy now is to remain an observer. Wait a few days before finalizing any plans because things will soon look much better.

 

 

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Sharing your ideas with others seems like a good idea at first, but soon it becomes apparent that interpersonal politics are more complicated than you thought. Maybe it would be easier if you praised your colleagues and told them how great they are instead of speaking your mind. But your willingness to please others can run you through stressful scenarios again and again. Relax the pressure by temporarily detaching yourself from the situation. Take no action until tomorrow after you’ve had time to rest.

 

 

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You might be forced to relinquish control as the day unfolds and your personal agenda begins to transform. Give yourself some breathing room; allow enough flexibility to cancel a previous commitment if your goals have shifted. Don’t be overly concerned about anyone else’s disappointment. Just do what feels right, even if you have to gently let someone down in the process. Take care of your own needs first; this strengthens your relationships with others in the long run.

 

 

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You may be required to take a position on a significant issue today, but it’s not a good idea to make up your mind until you have done enough research to be fully informed. Sharing your opinions before you have gathered all the facts only makes you look unprofessional or even foolish. Take the time to completely flush out the truth. Demonstrating your integrity helps you improve your standing with everyone at work.

 

 

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Trusting your intuition is tougher than usual, because the facts can be so entangled with fantasy that it’s tricky knowing what’s true. You can get lost in the data as you step through your rigorous analysis, but you still might not arrive at the best conclusion. Study the information and then set it aside for a while. A moment of inspiration will ultimately bring you the right answer.

 

 

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You don’t know if you’ve gone deep enough yet, for the more you dig, the more you learn. Nevertheless, at some point, you must finish your research and actually put what you’ve learned to practical use. Once you acknowledge that you’ve uncovered a bottomless pit, you’ll be able to stop spinning your intellectual and professional wheels. The time for thinking is over; get to work and apply your wealth of knowledge to getting ahead.

 

 

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You may be struggling with your work today. The problem is that others might be very harsh with their judgments about what you are doing now. Instead of working to accommodate others, try meeting your own expectations. Your attitude counts for a lot; if you feel positive about your current effort, that’s all that really matters.