Tag: Boeing 747

the daily humorscopes for thursday, june 21

the daily humorscope

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

You will tell a total stranger that you’re “sick and tired of salad”, today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Extremely poor day to use obscure euphemisms or medical metaphors. In particular, avoid “kajoobies” or “shvontz” like the plague.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an “off” batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it?

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know – the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They’ll come in handy soon, although I’m not sure how.

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won’t know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

Beware of short people.

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

Good day to avoid pickled herring.

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

Your main problem? You’re not eating NEARLY enough strudel.

the daily humorscopes for monday, november 28th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, November 28, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilization, and become famous.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it’s good to make them feel special once in a while.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of being cautious, today.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the financial kind.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you’ll open the kimono and hit the ground running.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
While attending a séance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that’s what you do, at parties.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good day to use the expression “just dandy” as much as possible. Tomorrow: “okey dokey” day.