Aries (March 21 – April 19)

This will be “one of those days”, I’m afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole…

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will have a rather unfortunate episode involving turnips, today. Later, however, you’ll be able to write a killer song about it.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as “Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming.”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp – just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp!

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn’t it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will receive a “Dear John” letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn’t “John”.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Bad juju today. Stay well clear of West African carved figurines.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Excellent time for you to reconsider your choice of employment. Are you working towards a specific goal, or are you merely drifting? Are you temperamentally suited to your current career? Remember: money isn’t everything. It could well be that you’d be much happier in a job where you could dress up as a giant chicken. In fact, in your case, that’s virtually certain.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will attempt to single-handedly bring the “Spaghetti Western” back from obscurity. Your first film will be “A Fistful of Noodles”, in which an aging Clint Eastwood rides into town. This time, however, he will resolve the differences between the Baxters and the Rojos by inviting them all over for a nice pasta dinner.