the daily humorscopes for monday, june 27

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Good day to remember your kinship with all living things. Except perhaps mildew. There’s no point in remembering your kinship with mildew, at least not today.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. Of course, where you’re actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Hide.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will make several somewhat inadvisable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel “100 Years Of SPAM!” decorative wall clock.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as “port” and “starboard”.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Good time to consider capitalising on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Uh oh. “Bursting into song day”, again. Your friends will avoid you.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will meet someone who you haven’t seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.