the daily humorscopes for saturday, june 25

 

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you’ll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee ™. Eventually, they’ll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don’t stand a chance.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Beware of galoots, today.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Excellent time to do some personal reengineering. I mean, face it – your mother simply wasn’t much of an engineer…

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You’re having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you’re having a “bad hair day”.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you’ll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.