the daily humorscopes for thursday, june 9

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I’m sorry.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they’re all dead.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Someone will ask you how you are, today, for the millionth time, and you know they actually couldn’t care less. I’ve found that the best reply in this case is usually “Did you know that there’s a spider on your neck?”

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You’ll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the dry kind.)

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious – such as “Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage”. The best reply to this is “Huh?”

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Following up on your accidental observation of the “sock dimension” (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you’ll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ve been secretly considering joining a support group for people with your affliction. That is a good idea, but you’ll never do it if you don’t work up to it gradually. A good place to start might be to subscribe to a magazine on the topic, such as “Nose Bleeders Quarterly” or “The Nose Troubles Times”.