Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Beware of Doug.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don’t worry. It’s probably nothing.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won’t realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don’t understand.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You’d be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn’t for them.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarrassing, but often clear up on their own.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustiness.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will attempt to single-handedly bring the “Spaghetti Western” back from obscurity. Your first film will be “A Fistful of Noodles”, in which an aging Clint Eastwood rides into town. This time, however, he will resolve the differences between the Baxters and the Rojos by inviting them all over for a nice pasta dinner.