Aries (March 21 – April 19)

An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It’s actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you’ve been waiting for.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: “A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul.” Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely whacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Ever had one of those times when you ask someone “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and they say “Crunchy things?” Soon, you will.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

More fun with twine, today. Isn’t it great!?

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they’re sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Village Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Someone will ask “How are you?” for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared – something embarassingly intimate is usually best. “Glad you asked, Bob. I’m having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing…”