Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I’d just leave it alone.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Don’t go out today, without a spatula. I can’t say more.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don’t go into the light. The extra point isn’t worth it.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Your main problem? You’re not eating NEARLY enough strudel.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Bide your time, and don’t do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Today you will meet someone with a really “cute” sneeze.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You’ll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Excellent day to just walk down the street, going “Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo”. I’d stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Things haven’t been going well for you lately, and you’re sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You’ve got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You’re almost normal — LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)…