Tag: Newsweek

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, august 16th

the daily humorscope 

 

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone “booger-face.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A huge red balloon will float by you, today, being pursued by a small person of the French persuasion, and a film crew. If you wish to cause cross-cultural mirth, cross your eyes, talk in a high pitched voice, and whack yourself in the head with a baguette. Otherwise, don’t.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will wrestle with your conscience today, but will be disqualified for using an illegal hold.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today will be mostly OK, except that you’ll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase “Careful, filling is hot!.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that’s not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It’s a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I’m guessing that you’d be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup. You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don’t remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be followed by an evil-looking man in an old green Ford pickup truck. Surprisingly, it will turn out that following people is just his hobby, and you have nothing to worry about.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don’t go into the light. The extra point isn’t worth it.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.

the daily humorscopes for friday, august 12th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, August 12, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It’s easy to remember, though — they are (in order) “big”, “small”, and “clumsy.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will order the dinner “special” at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren’t you? It’s even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination – mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with “muzac” in the grocery store. It’s the beginning of the long slow slide, I’m afraid. Next stop: collecting “nick nacks.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Things aren’t going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that’s not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It’s a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as “Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior”, and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when’s the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Time to start a new fashion trend. Look at it this way: there had to be a first person to wear a necktie, didn’t there? Today, every western man has to wear one to dress well. You can almost certainly do better – you probably aren’t a deranged masochist with choking fantasies!

the daily humorscopes for may 10

 

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur’s feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you’d like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you’d forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will hear a strange “clicking” sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don’t you think?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Continue hiding.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
While attending a seance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscenti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid”. And always do that little two-finger wave and say “engage”, when you start off, of course.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that’s not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It’s a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.