Tag: Lysol

the daily humorscopes for sunday, november 27th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, November 27, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don’t get caught).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke — it’s just that most people are too shy to admit that they’d rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to take up Rap music as a career. Either that or plumbing. (Most people are strangely unaware of the similarities.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll try the old “goat in a box” trick, on your new boss. It’ll backfire, though, and you’ll be the one with the clown shoes.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Seek out new life, and new civilisations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don’t get caught).
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrassing.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You, for one, have just about had it with all this “Globalisation”. Time to go on a diet!
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will be “mooned” by a cat. Fortunately, you won’t notice.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?

the daily humorscopes for april 27

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke — it’s just that most people are too shy to admit that they’d rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
That rash should clear up soon, Bob. Oh stop worrying. I won’t tell anyone.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Try to avoid calling anyone a “vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert”, today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I’ve discovered.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as “port” and “starboard.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a “spaz attack”, which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do”. (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you’ll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call “Bubba-Bonics”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Don’t you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway — that’s always fun.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”