Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will discover a large deposit of gold, when you’re out on a stroll. Unfortunately, wealth will not make you happy.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you’re destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it “Ze Bra.”

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will be “on the move”, soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

This might be a good time to consider night school. That’s night, not knight. Unless you enjoy clanking around in armor, of course. Some people do.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember … er … now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

A very pale young woman wielding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you’d like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won’t know what to make of the episode with the lime Jell-O, though.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Your manager will be a twit, today. That’s ok, though — it’s what he’s paid for.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight”. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

If you keep going the way you are, you’ll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.)