Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it’s easy to get lost in the city — the twine should help).

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you’ll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I’ve won the “International Tiddly Wink Open” three years running.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody’s guess.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it “Ze Bra”.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Ian McHarg once said, “Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth.” You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: “So?”

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don’t worry too much, though – the screen door of possibility is still ajar.

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to argue any more, unless you’ve paid.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called “Goat Herding Made Easy.”

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Everyone you see will be “power walking” today. Ignore them — they’re just trying to get on your nerves.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Ian McHarg once said, “Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth.” You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: “So?”

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoically endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you’ll be blamed. Pretend you don’t know anything about it.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a “mountain-person”? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Don’t do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realised it already did…

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

After years of study in higher mathematics, and a fiendishly complicated topological proof, you will finally be able to prove that half a loaf is exactly 7.412 times better than no bread.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

After spending days learning to simultaneously pat your head and rub your tummy, you will move on today to patting your head and rubbing someone else’s tummy.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that’s really disgusting.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You’ll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don’t let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What’s more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to “never look a gift horse in either end”.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

It is a joyous time to vacuum. Yes, you’ll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don’t understand? Unfortunately, an evil Asian gentleman named “Fu” will kidnap your beloved vacuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you’ll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, “The Curse Of The Mummy’s Nose”, told from the point of view of your cat, Erik.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Ian McHarg once said, “Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth.” You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: “So?”

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Beware of poltergeists, today.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Ian McHarg once said, “Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth.” You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: “So?”

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Don’t worry — that fortune cookie was wrong.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to go around “nudging” people.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss’ IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of “Titanic II”.