Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you’ll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people’s attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful — they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Today you will lose all self-control. You’ll find it again tomorrow, though — it just rolled under the couch.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you’ll need a lot of twine.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you’ll meet an angel, but don’t let on that you know who she really is.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Try to think of life as a game, today. For fun, make up new rules.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilisation, and become famous.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

About your new idea… Sure, I’ll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be “fierce”. You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you’re interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action…

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed”.)

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Your path divides soon. On the one hand lies potato salad, followed by severe pain, thrashing about, seizures, and a horrible death. On the other hand lies Cole slaw. It’s a pity that you don’t like Cole slaw.