Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it’s mostly been ok.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I’m certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of “skipping” shoe Nike is going to come out with.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell it to.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a “smidgeon” and a “pinch.”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Village Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you’ll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed”.)

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men’s cologne. For example: “The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind” (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: “Disturb the equilibrium” (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

It’s time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember … er … now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, “if you ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it’s hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction.” Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you’re typing!

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men’s cologne. For example: “The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind” (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: “Disturb the equilibrium” (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that’s a plus.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn’t been “blackened”. Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Stinky feet day, today. Don’t go to a Japanese restaurant.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

It’s nice that you’ve made good friends that you feel comfortable with. You might be getting a trifle TOO comfy, though – or you wouldn’t keep nodding off while talking with them.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustyness.