Tag: Doom

the daily humorscopes for saturday, october 15th

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, October 15, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Things aren’t going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of turnips.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Beware the toilet plunger of Doom.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely wacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That’s a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach “Mo’s Leather Emporium”. Don’t take it lightly.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
This may be a good time to take up squid farming. If you can figure out what kind of hat to wear, that is.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter. You’ll forget all about this when you take your reading glasses off, however.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s time to take up indoor gardening. It’s quite fun, and you can grow a lot of stuff in a little space. Be considerate though – I can tell you from personal experience that it’s best to run the tractor when your spouse isn’t around.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, august 13

the daily humorscope

 

Saturday, August 13, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Most people are aware that it’s supposed to be good luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover that it’s even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That’s not something you should try to deal with yourself — call in the professionals.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don’t let it get you down!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of turnips.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realise that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Beware the toilet plunger of Doom.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “kidnapped and tortured” and “wins the lottery”. Probably a little of both, I’d guess.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: “It’s fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don’t have kids.”