Aries (March 21 – April 19)

A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it’s a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they’ll try it themselves. Just don’t keep it up for too long – you might get “stuck” like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You’ve heard that when economists use the word “nice”, they’re actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is “like, totally kewl”.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they’re watching, no matter how boring it is. It’s just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don’t commit and regret it. It’s in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingy.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Tiddly wink day. Make it count.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to doodle.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you’ll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee ™. Eventually, they’ll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it’s good to make them feel special once in a while.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they’re sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Uh oh. “Bursting into song day”, again. Your friends will avoid you.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named “Brutus”, it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective…

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

This might be a good time to learn how to really “flick” your fingers. You never know when a good flick will be needed. I’m betting it’s soon, though, in your case.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office “just to chat”. Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was “act like a dog” day, you might have been better prepared.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You’ll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don’t lose hope, though — while there is no known cure for your condition, there’s a team working on it at MIT.

 

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Terrific day to saunter. Don’t let it turn into a mosey, though.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight.” You should be ashamed of yourself.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Someone will tell you that you “run funny.” Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn’t see you throwing a baseball.)

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You’ll find that is particularly true, this week.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it’s always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they’re going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is “Svlad”. It’s something to do.)

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as “Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming.”

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will figure out how to avoid your enemies, much to their bafflement. Basically, if you’re walking along and the background music changes to a kind of eerie theme, and the volume begins to increase…turn around and go the other way. Simple, huh?