Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don’t do it! It’s not as good as your favorite.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will be strangely drawn to an odd glass sculpture in an antique shop. The proprietor will show it to you with some hesitation, and will be visibly perspiring when you buy it. You’ll hear an almost anguished sigh of relief from him, as you leave with it.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, “Giggles.”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They’re just doing it to be difficult.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge.” This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing – so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious – such as “Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage”. The best reply to this is “Huh?”