Let’s Have A Heart to Heart…..

(This is about how my life feels right now)

I got to thinking this morning, since the office is nice and quiet, except for Jacob & the killer Pomeranian being here, that perhaps you thought I was trying to pull some scam over on you. What do I mean by that, I have an office full of women who are assisting us in any way possible. Unfortunately, that could not be the furthest from the truth. There is no one here except for me. I put out today’s digest, no one else was around. I called them from out of state and told them to lock the doors on the place and go home. That was while we were out of state, when Mystie passed. I honestly believed that when I returned they wouldn’t like the person coming back. Right now it is a constant fight between the black witch I was and the witch I am now. The temptation grows every day. I told you once a black witch, a part of that stays with you. It waits for the right time to surface and with my life the way it has been, it is starting to surface. I can hear it whisper, “you wouldn’t have to beg people for money to feed the boys, you wouldn’t have to work about the lights or water being cut off, you can have it all. Just come back! It is eating at me. I am very angry at the world right now. I have lost someone very special to me and I am angry about it. I don’t want to be around people because I don’t want anyone to see me like this. Doing the daily digest takes my mind off of it for a bit.

 

I believe the only thing that is keeping me sane and from turning is Mystie’s son, Jacob. We walked in this morning and the first thing he wanted to know was which desk was his mother’s. I showed him and he stayed in her seat the biggest part of the time we were here. He would wander around but he always came back to her desk. Joseph came in for a bit and Jacob grabbed him and told him, “he wanted to show him where their mother had worked.” I watched them and it seemed like I could see Mystie’s spirit hovering around them. They seemed to have a moment of peace, which after so many tears was a relief. They deserve some peace and they deserve their lives to return to normal. Then that little voice in the back of my head came whispering out, “you could give them everything and more. Just come back!” Amazingly enough, I was face to face with Mystie’s spirit. She pointed her finger in my face and told me she knew exactly what I was thinking and added, “don’t you dare!” The boys are getting a rather fast lesson in the life I lead, they saw their mother in my face. Their reaction was mixed to say the least.

 

You ever have time when you wonder if all the work you have done over the years has meant anything?  Those thoughts have run through my mind also. I have wondered if everything I have done over the years have meant a thing to anyone. Its amazing when you have time by yourself the things you can think of. Then I remembered the commitment to the Goddess I made many years ago. Perhaps I had a dark moment of the soul, who knows. But I remembered that and was snapped back to my seses and what really mattered. Raising and seeing what two young boys have what they need, keeping a roof over their head, keeping them fed, hanging on the WOTC for as long as possible and continue the work I started. I decided it might not mean anything to anyone else but it does me. Look around and see how many of these sites are left. See how many you can find.

 

I will ask one more time for your help in helping me fed my new family, providing them with a place to live and call home and just hang in there to Lord Myst can get back. I hope you understand now it is just me, two boys  and a pooch. No one else around, just us. We need your help until I can get a job. Yes, I have started to look for work also. I don’t want to be a “bum” of a witch for the rest of my life.

 

Well I feel better, it’s all out in the open now and I will leave the rest up to you…..

 

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Thank you, Stacey.

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15 thoughts on “Let’s Have A Heart to Heart…..

  1. Of your like me you hardly ever hear “Thank you for your time, effort and work on putting out this website almost daily.” So thank you dear friend and sister for your time, effort, and work in putting out this website. Thank you for being there for me when I was at my lowest and darkest time. It was your words and love that kept me from going back to practicing the dealer side of The Craft. I am here to listen to you rant, scream cry, vent or whatever you need. I send much love in honor of you of all you have done for me and others from my heart to yours.
    Love ya,
    B

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    1. No, I don’t look for praise or even a thank you. I do this because I love it and made a commitment many years ago to the Goddess. I have just been very bitter. You always knew Mystie and I were close but I don’t think you realized how close. I had a few days which were absolutely horrible. We had to go to the place where she had the wreck to identify her. That wasn’t my Mystie laying on that table. I lost it. Thank goodness the boys weren’t there. It was just me and Lord M. He grabbed a hold of me and I just went and sit in the floor and cried and cried. Then I got mad as hell, why? Why did it have to happen? She had asked me to go with her. I told her I wanted to stay home and do some stuff around the house. What if I had went with her, would she still be alive? Another one, I have to live with the rest of my life wondering what if? The boys have helped. One of them look just like her. Every time I look at him, I see her. I feel so sorry for them, I know what it is like growing up without a mother. I know I can’t take her place but I plan on being the next best thing. Perhaps that is a way for me to heal as well as them. You probably read Lord M has gone home to sell his property up there. He has already made plans to build on to the cabin so we will have more room. I done told him, we are drawing a line, if he crosses it, I am going to kill him. Well not kill him, just beat him with the baseball bat. But that is what she wanted for me and him to raise them. We’ve got to make it work. Thank you for your donation but you shouldn’t have, sweetie. The boys are going rather fond of squirrel. They say it taste like chicken. Got to run.
      Love ya,
      A

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      1. Think of it like this my sister, if you had gone with her you would not be here for the boys. Goddess and Fate kept you busy at home so that you would be here for the lads…..they need you now.A similar thing happened to me 20 years ago…a friend asked me to do something with her but I had a previous appointment to keep. I went to the appointment, but did not attend it, due to a sickly anxiety in my gut. I turned back and as I headed back to my friends I saw an ambulance, siren and lights going, heading the same way as my friends home.I started to run…when I got there, the paramedics were taking her away, and would have placed her 3 year old son in care, but because I listened to my gut I was there to care for him…he’ll be 21 on new years day. Sadly,things seem to happen for a reason. My heart to yours Sister Priestess…try not to think what if? Thank the Goddess for keeping you around for those boys. Much love*)0(*

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      2. Thank you, Karen. It is strange how the Fates play a part in our lives. Unfortunately, this is the second time I have had this happen to me. But I won’t go into that one, I did live with his death for years. I loved him and I figured if I had been with him, he would have been alive. Now history seems to have repeated itself. It is enough to make you want to bury your head in the sand. Your friend was very fortunate to have you. I guess this time I have the boys and I still cry but I realize I have to be strong for them. They are an immense help and one of them look just like their mother. One of the boys blew me away yesterday. A neighbor wanted to know why I hadn’t brought them over to his pond to fish. Then he mentioned he didn’t know I had anymore children. One of the boys made the comment, “I had kept them in the closet and I was their mother.” Well you can guess, I started to cry. He told me that his brother and him were the luckiest two kids on the planets, to have two mothers that both loved them and cared for them. I believe kids handle things better than we do at times. They are special boys and I am lucky to have them. I know your friend’s son was very fortunate to have you. Thank you for your encouraging words, dear sister.
        Luv & Hugs,
        Lady A

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  2. Wow, I just came across your blog today, but it sounds like you are dealing with so much. I hope you are able to stay away from the dark side, so to speak. I’ll have to see if you have other posts talking about your past because now I’m curious. I’m sorry you lost a loved one.

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    1. Oh, let’s call a spade a spade, a black witch. I believe everyone here knows I was a very nasty, black witch at one time. My mother passed away when I was 11 years old and it consumed me. I am also a Hereditary Practitioner. Apparently after a few years of being black, the Goddess wasn’t happy with me at all. She grabbed a hold of rump and slapped the crap out of me. My Path was not meant to be on the Dark Side of The Craft. She put me on the Path she intended me to be on. I believe She left me on the Dark Side because I needed to understand it and know how to defend against it. Most of all teach others about it and defend against it.

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  3. I am truly sorry you are struggling so much. I wish I could help I don’t have kids but I have a hubby who is sick and we are both struggling financially so much scared of not making our rent and getting kicked out of our apt. I hope someone on here will be able to help you. Again I wish I could help please stay strong…blessed be…..sapphira

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    1. I understand completely, Sapphira. There is so much horror and trouble of others in the world these days, I hate to put mine out there. It, I still don’t know how to explain it. One minute you are in shock, the next minute you have to get it together to raise two boys. You don’t have time to grieve because you want to be strong for them. But in private, I do and I will do so for many a day to come. Goddess bless you and yours, dear sister. I wish there was something I could do for you. I hope and pray the Goddess shines her blessings down on you and yours.

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  4. Truly I empathize. I know of this anger. My days are not far behind us. The anger, the upset he left behind, my truest friend. The one person that knew me to my core, my very soul. There was so much for a father and son left to do together. We were such great pals. Somehow I managed, somehow I conquered that demon inside me. My growth came from a promise. Not just to my father … but to myself. A promise to never abandon my ways, to continue my search, to steadily seek the good. It has been that promise, that honours all, that keeps me moving forward. To stop, is to mortally wound ourselves. No, ours is not to quit. My deepest compassion to you, you and all that have experienced the pain.
    Blessed be, for we are not alone.
    L.

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    1. You are a very wise man. Your words touched my heart like no others. They are more than appreciated. I know when temptation and discouragement strikes, I will re-read your words. You are an inspiration and I thank you, dear brother.
      Lady A

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  5. I’m stunned.. truly stunned.. I’m so sorry to hear about Mystie.. my stars I am just so shocked. My dearest sister ((hugs)).. what you’ve had to endure these last few years is beyond bearable and my heart goes out to you and to Mystie’s family. I don’t know how much you need, but I can’t say I can help out financially.. we’re pretty tapped out and it’s such a struggle that ends never do meet and the nose is constantly dipping below water.. I have my daughter and grandchildren living here (4 years now). I know, this is nothing even close to what you’re dealing with.. And if I did send you any money.. I don’t do pay pal, it would have to be through the regular snail mail.. all I can do right now is light a candle and send comfort strength healing and ((hugs)).. I wish I was in a better position.
    Love and Hugs.. celtie

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    1. You know, sis, there are times when hearing from a dear old friend means more than money itself. It is wonderful to hear from you, it truly is. Mystie was a shock to all of us and her passing hit us hard. I never believed I would out live her. We grew up together, Mystie, Lord M and myself. We were the “gruesome threesome.” I know this is going to take a long time to recover from, if I ever do. We were closer than my blood sister. We were all at my cabin just a few hours before the accident occurred. She had asked me to go with her and I told her I wanted to stick around the house and get something done. Now I wonder if I had went with her would she still be with us. Lord M told me, no, I would have been dead too. The wreck happened out of state, which made it worse. At first, we thought she might still have been alive. The state trooper told us to get there as quick as we could. I was really expecting to see her alive. Then when we got there and saw the car, I knew there was no way she could have survived the wreck. A half-asleep semi-truck driver crossed over into her lane and hit her head on. The coroner told me, she never knew what hit her. She passed instantly and I hope she did. Then the coroner asked us to identify the body. Celtic, you can’t imagine what I saw laying on that table. It wasn’t my Mystie. I left the room and just went out in the hall and sit on the floor and cried and cried. Mystie had two sons and Lord M contacted them, I couldn’t. They are here now. One was in college and he is transferring down here. The other one was getting ready to start college, he asked me if it would be alright for him to take some time off. I told him, of course. Lord M is selling his farm and moving down here. We had both promised Mystie if anything ever happened to her, we would raise the boys. The strange thing the night she left, she hugged me so tight and asked me if I remembered my promise to her. Now I wonder if she knew her time was almost up.

      You have a family and now I have another one. It is adjustment but they are good boys. One looks just like his mother. I know their pain and I wish there was something I could do but there is no remedy for the loss of a parent. I don’t want your money, sis. I know what a time you have had. There has been many a time I have thought and wondered about you. How you were doing? How was the kids? How’s the hubby? I know we don’t keep in touch like we use too but just hearing from you is a comfort. I am seriously beginning to think we ought to have run off many years ago. We could be laying on a beach in Puerto Rico. Forgot they got hit by the hurricane, might not be a beach anymore. I haven’t said it to anyone else but I know you know how I was raised so I can say it to you…you ever stop to think about everything going on in the world these days? When you stop to think about all that it makes me wonder if the end of time is near. What can I say it is that half and half up-bringing I had. But it does make me wonder. How I got off on that I don’t know, my mind just isn’t in the right place now.

      I wish there was something I could do for you, sis. I always very high dreams for you. I figured after you got married all your troubles would be over and you would live happily ever after. Perhaps its not to late, I keep remembering the old saying, “it is darkest before the dawn.” Now if the damn dawn would hurry up for both of us, we would be fine. Well unfortunately work calls. You don’t know how good it is to hear from you. Just keep us in your thoughts and prayers and I will do the same for you.
      Love ya,
      K

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  6. ok.. so NOW it posts.. geeez.. 3 times I re-wrote it out.. argggh.. grrrrr.. craaaaap.. ok.. breathe.. Sweet Darling Sister.. had you been with her.. we’d of lost the both of you.. geeez.. after the last accident you were in.. holy grief.. the mere thought of losing you had me in tears.. a huge lump in my throat.. I was so shaken.. I don’t mean to sound heartless because I’m not.. I feel horrible for what’s happened.. but to lose the both of you.. no.. thank the Universe you WEREN’T with her.. I wish this had never happened.. as for my marriage.. I had hoped that when it was all happening, that he was sincere.. that he truly loved me.. but no.. that wasn’t the case.. he wanted Canadian citizenship.. we live more like room mates.. but, he’s wonderful to my mom.. and my daughter.. and my grandchildren.. I guess that he figures that as long as I have a roof over my head that I should be greatful.. if he passes away before me, I have no idea where I’ll end up.. but that bridge will be crossed if it happens.. so for now, I work.. he makes sure I know that I don’t make enough.. although he has my pay all set out as to how it’ll be used.. and I go through one day then the next.. taking care of my grandkids.. I’m fine.. I’m more concerned about you.. you’ve been going through so much.. too much.. I should see if this one is even going to post.. honey.. I love you dearly.. we don’t talk anywhere near as much as I’d like.. but know that I love and care.. so much (((hugs))) celtie

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    1. Well, you finally posted, sis. It is probably WordPress. They have really cracked down on the security. If you haven’t used your account in a while, it is hard to post again. They keep trying to get me to use a two step method to log in. Hell, I can’t remember the original password, now they want me to remember another. Gee, I’m only human! You don’t sound heartless in your comment. i have heard it from several and the first one was Lord M. He asked me what the hell was wrong with me? If I had been with her, I would have been dead too. So I don’t say a word about it around him but it doesn’t stop you from wondering. This is the first day we are all back in the office since she passed. A few teary eyes but as soon as I see them, I find something for them to do to take the mind off of Mystie being gone. You couldn’t ask for better boys. They asked me last night what were they going to do while I was at work. I told them I didn’t know. Then they asked me if I cared if they helped. So they are also working out in the warehouse today, inventorying merchandise. I still miss her and always will. It just seems like she should come walking in the door any minute. I better get off that subject, I am starting to tear up, at least I can shut the door.

      I remember being worried if he was just using you for citizenship up there. I believe I mentioned that too you and sort of pissed you off. At least he is good to your family, he could have got his citizenship and you never saw him again. Don’t think about him passing. I have found out with Frank and me it ain’t so bad having your own space. Of course, the two of us are way too much alike. It is like living with yourself. If I had him stuck up my rump all day, I would go crazy. You know he had a massive heart attack out of the blue and died didn’t you? He was taking the garbage out and came back in and sit down in the floor, sweating like a pig. I asked him what was wrong and he told me to go away and just leave him the hell alone. He pissed me off, I call the ambulance. When they got him to the hospital, his heart quit beating and they had to bring him back. I was still at the house, gathering up his medicine and everything but I knew the minute he passed. My heart felt like it was ripped from my chest and I screamed, Morrighan, please no, please no. He came back and when I got to the hospital there was a priest and another clergy waiting on me. I was wondering if they knew I was a witch and the fire was burning out back. They told me what had happened and I couldn’t believe it. No sign, no pain, no nothing, it just happened out of the clear blue. He has recovered but now does nothing but stay on the computer all day at the house. Every time something comes up that needs to be done, I am reminded he has heart problems. One of these days, I am going to tell him, not according to the doctor any more, gee, men! I have an idea, tell your man to move down here and live with Frank and I will move up there and live with you. I know I am on the edge and one more thing is going to push me over it. I am sincerely hoping things are going to calm down. But it won’t Lord M gets down here, he is planning on moving in. He has already had house plans drawn up to add on. So we can all live as one big happy family. Yeah right, tent here I come. I will probably have the boys with me too.

      I am sorry to ramble on. Keep your chin up will you, sweetie. I do love you and miss you. You don’t know how good it was to hear from you. You need to use that WordPress account more often, lol! Got to run for now,
      Love ya,
      A

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