A Little Humor for Your Day – “How To Give A Cat A Pill Plus Bonus Instructions!”

How To Give A Cat A Pill

(with bonus instructions on how to give a dog a pill)

How to Give a Cat a Pill

  1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.
  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin’ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
  13. Tie the dang thing’s front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
  14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
  15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give a Dog a Pill

  1. Wrap it in bacon.


For more great Pagan humor, visit Turok’s Cabana


5 thoughts on “A Little Humor for Your Day – “How To Give A Cat A Pill Plus Bonus Instructions!”

    1. You must be a cat person too, lol! I know it is suppose to be funny but I be darn it is almost the truth as far as mine go. I am glad you enjoyed it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I had a similar experience with one of my cats, a feisty guy, it took two of us to hold him down and the medicine very rarely entered. I loved this! And thanks for all the great blogging, Lady A 🙂


      2. You are more than welcome. It is a pleasure to have you visit with us. I had a tomcat who I had to have put to sleep a year ago and I swear. I would sooner wrestle a bear than give him medicine. He got out one night and the poor thing couldn’t half way see, he ran right into the neighbor’s fence and knocked himself out. Cold as a turkey, just to get out of taking medicine, gee! Now I have a bobcat, really, and I sincerely hope she never, ever gets sick!


      3. Aww, poor tomcat. It is hard to let them go. A bobcat wow! Well, I am sure that rugged creature will not get sick soon!

        I do enjoy your blogs so much! Happy Lughnasadh 🙂


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