The Speshul World of Wytches and Majyc
by Marilyn (ABSENTMINDED)
Hello everyone. I used to be a Christian/Jew/Muslim but realized six months ago how terribly wrong it all was and decided to come home to Paganism because I am a natural witch and have decided to admit it now in spite of the terrible persecutions I know I will face.
In the last six months I have read everything on the top shelf of the New Age and Pagan section of my high school library, even though I really didn’t have to because just realizing what I am has given me total enlightenment and all the knowledge I will ever need to have a perfect life and get everything I want and punish anybody who isn’t as enlightened as me and tries to persecute me with logic and facts and thinking they are better than me.
In order to help the less enlightened, and to show how ooky-spooky I have become, I will now post the most important things you need to know to become as kewl as I am. You can thank me later.
- Todays witches are so much smarter than the ones who perished in the terrible Burning Times because they would simply cast a glamour that would send the evil soldiers to arrest the Christians next door instead of them. If they got arrested anyway they would just cast spells of confusion on the judges and walk away unburnt.
- If you are confused by all the different names you hear on the pagan scene, you should know that some Wiccans just prefer to call themselves Recons or Asatruar or Neo-pagan or whatever because Wiccans can do anything they want as long as they Harm None, and using different names helps keep their identities secret from the evil Christians who will persecute them if they get the chance. We are so rare and speshul and secret that using lots of different names makes us seem like too many to chase down and burn.
- We don’t have to be afraid of Satan and Hell because they are concepts that just plain don’t apply to us. If people or parents get on your case about this remind them they are giving you negative energy, which is Harming you and they shouldn’t do that or the Three-fold Law will get them, whether they believe in it or not. It’s, like, karma or something, and they can’t get away from it.
- You don’t need to have a magical name, but it is a good idea to get yourself one for protection. That way nobody will know who you really are to persecute you unless you have to tell them to prove you really are powerful and dangerous. You should have more than one in case somebody curses you to make you look like a fool online you can just switch and come in on your own side and show you have powerful friends. Any really good website will have a program to help you choose the names you use for magic.
- If anybody does make you feel bad by acting like they know more than you and proving it, there are all kinds of curses you can use to punish them. It’s okay to do this, cause if they hurt your feelings they have Harmed you, which I already told you isn’t allowed, and you can do what you want to to get back at them.
These are just a few of the things I know. I don’t have time to write the rest out because my parents are persecuting me to do my homework. Just remember – as soon as you wake-up to being a pagan, everything you need to know will already be inside you and inside a few good books with ‘teen’ on the cover!
MM and MP and MM again. (I’m not quite sure what that means, but it’s something witches say and I know the meaning will appear to me magically when I’m ready.)
Your friend (if you know what’s good for you),
High Lady Platinum Eagle Smilodon