the daily humorscope
Sunday, September 04, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.
(April 20 – May 20)
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don’t worry, though, it’s probably nothing.
(May 21 – June 20)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
(June 21 – July 22)
What fun! You’ll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a “pink slip.” Sounds like party attire to me!
(July 23 – August 22)
You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.
(August 23 – September 22)
Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it’s good to worry your neighbours a bit — keeps them civil.
(September 23 – October 22)
Your neighbour thinks his dog is so smart, it’s starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says “Quantum Physics for Dogs”, and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil…
(October 23 – November 21)
You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office “just to chat”. Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.
(November 22 – December 21)
Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone’s been teasing your cat.
(December 22 – January 20)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
(January 21 – February 18)
Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You’ll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.
(February 19 – March 20)
It’s time to start setting higher goals. Don’t get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!