the daily humorscope
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Don’t do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realised it already did…
(April 20 – May 20)
After years of study in higher mathematics, and a fiendishly complicated topological proof, you will finally be able to prove that half a loaf is exactly 7.412 times better than no bread.
(May 21 – June 20)
After spending days learning to simultaneously pat your head and rub your tummy, you will move on today to patting your head and rubbing someone else’s tummy.
(June 21 – July 22)
Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that’s really disgusting.
(July 23 – August 22)
Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess.
(August 23 – September 22)
Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You’ll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don’t let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.
(September 23 – October 22)
It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What’s more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to “never look a gift horse in either end”.
(October 23 – November 21)
It is a joyous time to vacuum. Yes, you’ll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don’t understand? Unfortunately, an evil Asian gentleman named “Fu” will kidnap your beloved vacuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.
(November 22 – December 21)
You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you’ll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).
(December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
(January 21 – February 18)
Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, “The Curse Of The Mummy’s Nose”, told from the point of view of your cat, Erik.
(February 19 – March 20)
Ian McHarg once said, “Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth.” You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: “So?”