Posts Tagged With: Yellow Pages

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under “Florists, Reputable.”

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Beware of rodents.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won’t be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won’t really know if you’re a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You’ll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you… (That part is true.)

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it “Ze Bra.”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Today you will seek out new life, and new civilisations. You won’t find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Avoid yodelling today.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do.” (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Ever had one of those times when you ask someone “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and they say “Crunchy things?” Soon, you will.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under “Florists, Reputable”.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Avoid alternative music, today. Also, try to find what’s making that nasty smell in the fridge, before it gets worse.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that’s not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to “The Mongol Horde”, you might take notice.