Posts Tagged With: Sexuality

Calendar of the Sun for October 22nd

Calendar of the Sun

22 Winterfyllith

Baphomet’s Day

Color: Black
Element: Earth
Altar: Upon cloth of black set one black candle and one white, on either side of a statue of Baphomet. Lay there also bones, horns, rods for whipping, a knife, needles for pricking, a jug of liqueur, and cakes in the shape of hermaphroditic genitals.
Offerings: Blood, a drop apiece wiped onto the statue. Pain. Sacred sex is also a good offering for this day, but it should be of sex that is challenging to the participant.
Daily Meal: Meat.

Invocation to Baphomet

I am Baphomet, Rex Mundi,
Lord of Perversion, Child of Earth,
Sacred Abomination, Secret warrior,
Survivor of the great purge,
Baphe Metis, baptized in wisdom,
Wounded in the service of Earth from which I sprang
And to which I was not allowed to fall.
I am the sacrifice that Death refused;
I am the one who must live on wounded.
What they throw away I save,
What they devalue I hold holy,
What they tread underfoot I raise up,
What they cast off as ugly decorates my holy raiment,
What they fear becomes my weapon.
I am both man and woman,
I am filled with lust for both man and woman,
Your body is my chalice, let me drink of you.
I hold nothing more valuable than flesh and humus
I hold nothing holier than earthly desires.
When the Mother was silenced, I alone heard her cries.
When the Great God Pan was declared dead, I alone lived on.
When the Most Sacred and Holy Mystery
Was stripped and driven through the marketplace
I alone was secret and apart.
All lonely places are sacred to me.
Let my wisdom be the staff in your hand.
I am Baphomet
And you have much to learn.
(Share and eat the cakes and wine, shed blood as libation, and all shall go off to endure ordeals of their own choosing.)

[Pagan Book of Hours]

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Who Is Your Guide Quiz?

Who Is Your Guide? Quiz

Each one of us has powerful inner guides to help us find our way along the  path of our life-journey. These guides bring gifts for us and offer very  specific help. When we connect with the guide we need in the moment, our journey  becomes smoother, we feel supported, and we can make swift soul-progress.

Is your present guide a powerful Shaman King, spirit-centered Priestess  Queen, questing Knight, or youthful Child? Find out with this quiz:

Make note of the numbers of the following statements that are TRUE  for you.

1. I need to make wise plans for my future and set better boundaries and  limits.

2. I would like to feel more safe and secure.

3. I feel out of connection and as if I’m living superficially–but I know  there’s more to my life than this.

4. I am hungry for nurturing, passion, deep feeling, and/or inspiration.

5. I feel as if I have lost something important that would improve the  quality of my life.

6. I need to feel more galvanized to go after what I need.

7. I need more playtime in my life: everything feels like a chore.

8. Old, painful memories and feelings have started to surface in my life and  I am sick of repeating my old patterns.

9. I feel completely unsure of where I am at the moment, sort of lost in the  fog–as if I know nothing at all.

If you answered TRUE to 1 or 2, the Shaman King is the guide who will help  you now. Look to this grounded, wise, powerful part of your Self to help you  feel stable, safe, and able to plan and protect yourself. Collect images of  mature and stable power to keep with you. Give your Shaman King a name. Imagine  being filled with his strength and certainty.

If you answered TRUE to 3 or 4, the Priestess Queen is your guide. This part  of you can help you to feel more deeply connected to All That Is, deeply  nourished and alive to the wonder of living. Find pictures of this archetypal  helper to keep where you will see them and feel supported. Give your Priestess  Queen a name. Visualize her walking beside you, sharing her qualities of  spirit-filled grace and dignity with you.

If you answered TRUE to 5 or 6, the Knight can help you to find what you  seek. This questing part of the Self is a great helper when you know there’s  something you need. Visualize a bold companion who knows every step of the  journey that leads to what you most deeply desire. Give this companion a name.  Imagine him or her beside you as you venture into unfamiliar territory.

If you answered TRUE to 7 or 8, the Child will help you to reconnect with  your playful inner child-self, who knew exactly what she loved to do. She can  show you what you need to do in order to heal from old wounding and create  healthier new patterns for yourself. Collect old photos of yourself and imagine  asking that child-self for her input.

If you answered TRUE to 9, your guide is the Mystery. Difficult though it may  be, you need to trust that you are not meant to know–AND that it is alright not  to know right now. Eventually, things will become clearer. Right now, see if you  can enjoy being in the place of not-knowing.

Read more: http://www.care2.com/greenliving/who-is-your-guide-quiz.html#ixzz2cRUovvFA

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Tantric Sex for Beginners: 4 Easy Tips!

Tantric Sex for Beginners: 4 Easy Tips!

My friend Sean recently wowed me by casually mentioning that he had just  attended a three-day tantric sex workshop where the end goal was, well, for no  end goal.  “The point,” he said, “is to channel all the sexual energy that would  normally leave during an orgasm, back into your body.  It gives you so much  energy!”

Sure enough, achieving the big “O” is not Tantra’s main objective. Instead, you  attempt to prolong the act, increasing potent sexual energy and intimacy with  your partner. If you focus solely on the grand finale, you’ll miss the amazing  range of feeling the rest of the show offers.  “Sexual energy is one of our most  powerful energies for creating health,” says Christiane Northrup, M.D., author  of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.  “Through the intimate connection  with another, our stress hormones lower and our serotonin shoots through the  roof.”

Hmmm, I’ve certainly heard of Tantra but besides the Bible-length Kama Sutra,  wacky-sounding positions like “lotus” and “jumping spider” and tales of Sting  engaging in 36-hour lovemaking sessions, I didn’t know much, let alone that the  intimacy is great for our health.  “Even without an exhaustive education,” says  Wendy  Strgar, Care2 columnist and CEO of Good, Clean Love, “the principles behind  tantric practice can go a long way in deepening the connection you share with  your partner.”

Design an “intimacy space”

This should be a comfortable area that is playful and relaxed. First, clear  the room of any attention-grabbing clutter. Next, decorate with flowers, candles  and cozy fabrics. Scent is really important to our sensuality, so try natural  oils like jasmine, ylang-ylang, or rose. Make sure your bed is as comfortable as  possible with soft sheets and a number of pillows. Lastly, chose a soundtrack of  music that you both like. Play it softly in the background to enhance your  mood.

Breathe Each Other’s Breath

Harmonizing your breath is one of the easiest ways to  sync with your partner. Straddle your partner’s lap (called the yab-yom  position) and inhale while they exhale and vice versa. As your partner breathes  out, you’ll find yourself taking their breath into and down through your entire  body.  As you exhale, consciously attempt to energize the breath.  In this way,  you’re sharing all of yourself with your partner.  “Becoming conscious about  your breath is central to all yogic practices and is foundational in Tantra,”  says Strgar.

Keep Your Eyes Open

“The idea of making love with your eyes open is one of the fundamentals of  deep connection in intimacy,” says Strgar.  “It is surprisingly harder to do  than you might expect.   Move toward this idea as an intention rather than a  rule and be amazed as the collection of glimpses that will reshape how you think  about your partner and yourself.  It is not easy to be seen, even by the people  we love.  Truly witnessing the act of love is profoundly transformative.”

Take it Slow

Sorry guys, foreplay is essential in Tantra. A leisurely, slow build helps  men control longevity and piques women’s arousal. The longer you linger in this  process of building energy, the longer your session will last and the more  energy you will build. Use this time to fully focus on each other. As in  meditation, when your thoughts wander, gently guide your attention back to your  partner and the magic of the moment at hand.

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Shine a Light into the Darkness

Shine a Light into the Darkness

by Freya Ray

What does it mean, to shine a light into the darkness? If we’re going to talk about candle magick, what more powerful candle is there than the human spirit? In the face of a wide array of conflicting information, it seems worthy to explore the idea of how best to make a difference in the world.

What conflicting information? As you’re reading this paper, you identify as some form of witchy pagan, or are at least curious about such. That’s great, but it does not automatically liberate you from the Judeo-Christian heritage of our culture. That heritage says that to be a good person, to do good for others, you suffer. You give up yourself to take care of those in need. On the other hand, there is a streak of self-indulgent hedonism running through much of today’s Wiccan culture. “Do what you will and harm none.” What’s the harm in doing this little love or money spell, to create what I want in my life? A third opinion about how to be in relationship with the world that affects many of us is the metaphysical hive mind. That cosmic-consciousness PC-police brain hums out, “It’s all good. Everything is happening exactly as it’s supposed to. We have all chosen our own destiny, and can all choose perfect abundance and love if we just, well, choose it.”

Before you get all up in arms about my brattily simplistic summaries, I’m just making a point here. Which is: Most of us feel an instinctive urge to give back, to make a difference, and it can be hard to figure out how best to do that. Following are my musings on the question, “How can I up the wattage on this little light of mine, and shine it where it can do the most good?”

Rest Your Spirit

It’s hard to do anyone any good when you’re run down, crabby or emotionally overwhelmed. Somehow, some way, find the time to restore yourself when you need to. I could run through all the cliché remedies: Take a nap, soak in the bath, be in nature and so on, but you already know how best to take care of yourself. This is your monthly scheduled reminder from the universe to actually do it.

Have Cosmic Sex

Talk about upping your wattage! Great, chakra-blowing, mind-altering sex is better than any drug for opening you up to the beauty of others, increasing the generosity of your spirit and making you more patient with everything. Not only does it benefit your partner (we hope), but the energy of divinely inspired sexual congress overflows to benefit everyone. If you have a partner, seek to actively bring God/Spirit/Goddess/whatever into your lovemaking. Call circle before you begin. Focus every scrap of your attention on the energy between you and your partner, on elevating what you’re doing to the level of art. Take hours and hours. If you’re alone, do all of those same things. Be aware of your energy, of every subtle nuance of your reactions. Get a book on Tantra (The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand is a good one), and practice elevating your energy as you pleasure yourself. Some of the best sex I ever had was just me, my hands and my breathing.

Have you ever considered sending a shot out as you come? As you reach orgasm, take that juicy energy and send it to AIDS orphans in Africa, or the women of Afghanistan, or your ex-boyfriend, or whatever. It can’t hurt, right?

Make Yourself Available

It’s all fine and good to talk about reciprocity and balance in our relationships, but the truth is that sometimes I give a friend apples and get back kiwis. Common metaphysical lore holds that everyone in our life is a teacher for us in some way. But some of my friends just teach me about my ability to be there for someone learning stuff I already know. These “unequal” relationships are not only okay, they’re necessary. I know I never would have made it through the last 10 years without my older (or just wiser) friends who knew the things I was learning. They freely taught, gave advice or just let me cry on them. I do the same thing for a few people younger or less experienced than I.

I believe it’s good to have a list of people who are allowed to make outrageous demands on you from time to time. For some reason, a particular friend’s emotional crisis touches you, and you give them permission to call at any hour, and you’ll be a friendly ear. Conversation after conversation ends up being mostly about them, and their struggles, and you don’t mind or feel “owed.” When energy work, ritual or a Tarot reading happens, it’s for them, not you. Call them projects, call them puppies, call them friends having a hard time. Just have some people you personally care for.

Be a Relentless, Irrepressible Optimist

Think of it as a meditation, as a spiritual practice: Find the upside in everything that happens in your life. I can talk for five minutes about the good things I learned from being in an abusive relationship. Talk about impulse control! I’m not condoning all the ugliness of life, and certainly I’m not saying we should perpetuate it to help others learn hard lessons, but I do believe that any situation can be interpreted any number of ways. I feel more empowered if, instead of going to the “poor me” place, I answer these questions: What am I learning here, and how is it benefiting me?

For example, I recently fell completely, utterly in love with someone who I am not currently able to talk with. My friends who have heard every blow-by-blow think he’s a jerk and offer all kinds of sympathy. But I know what I’m learning from the situation. I finally found that place in myself that was unwilling to give up on someone, just because of something they said. I found the place in me that can be mad as hell and not walk away. I’m learning some measure of patience. I have a mantra, “Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, you can’t make me stop loving you.” It’s my process, I own it, I refuse to feel victimized by life.

If you’re at all prone to martyr or victim thinking, I can’t begin to tell you how much psychic energy will be liberated by running your thoughts along more positive lines. Giving away your power is a huge drain on the psyche, on your ability to feel positive about your own life and on your ability to have anything to offer to others. Try keeping your own power instead. You’ll like it!

Follow Your Impulses

Between the opposites lies the path. Sometimes we need to be selfish, sometimes we need to be selfless. The best way to navigate life between the poles is to listen to Spirit, to the voice of your own intuition, in every moment. If you’re in doubt about how to proceed, sit still (or nap) until clarity comes. Trust yourself.

Find the Connections

Alienation and separation do not help us help each other. The false sense that we are all alone, that we are different from others, leads to thoughts like, “Why would I want to help those ones. They’re nothing to me.” Seek to find the connections. Do some past-life work, so you can remember for yourself how a life could lead one to be dirty and poor. Meditate, finding the dark impulses inside yourself, so you don’t feel yourself better than the one who succumbed. There is no separation. What is done to the least of us, is done to us, we do. It’s all one.

We don’t all have to be bodhisattvas in order to care. Some glimmer of the kinship between all of us will open up remarkable compassionate vistas.

Reach Out

Ask yourself, “How does service best manifest in my life?” As a professional psychic, shaman and healer, I find most years that much of my time serving others is done in that way. I have a collection of friends I give my professional services to, without expectation of return. From time to time, I offer my services free to a stranger. For a while, I tithed. Sometimes I do shamanic work for strangers in my dreams. Sometimes I pray or do ritual for a person or family or part of the world in crisis. Sometimes I drive my mother to the dentist.

Not everyone is cut out to volunteer at the hospice. But everyone is capable of some kind of service. Your professional expertise might lend itself to occasional gifts of time and knowledge. Your body might like to express itself in some good physical barn-raisin’ activity from time to time. You might be a fundamentally lazy person, who can still feel like a good contributing citizen by gifting 10 percent of your income every month to someone deserving. Give it some thought, and find your own way.

Everyone needs to know that their flame helped light the way for someone.

Freya Ray is a professional psychic, shaman, writer and teacher. She teaches energy work, shamanic journeying, Tarot reading and how to live a more blissful life in general.

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All About Our Brothers and Sisters who are Capricorns

Introducing…Capricorn

 

There are many theories on why the Capricorn Goat is often portrayed as half goat-half fish. All stories seem to have common threads around the hard working and sexually intense nature of Capricorn personalities. Capricorns enjoy hard work and enjoy the pleasures and satisfaction of intense physical contact. They thrive on difficult or complex problem solving. It is thought that the Capricorn goats struggle with taking the same intensity they have toward their work into their bedroom.

Their aggressive passion and sexual nature was frowned upon by the Greek Gods. The Gods decided to punish him so they turned his lower half into a fish so he could no longer act on his sexual desires. As a result his sexuality was stunted and all that repressed energy was redirected into an intense focused work ethic. So our modern day Capricorns have hints toward this repressed sexuality. They enjoy work and struggle with their need and inability to let loose physically. So, we decided to represent this persona as a very hard working character. He’s completely focused on getting the job done. His large wrench conveys his ability to tackle any job, any size. It also can be used to fine tune the tension of his tale, adjusting his direction and control his sexual desires.

Physical Characteristics

Physically, our Capricorn is not necessarily well kept and clean. He’s less concerned with his physical appearance. He looks at life as a big job that needs to be done. He’s concerned with doing it right, not necessarily how he looks doing it. He has a handy apron to keep his tools at the ready. Again, functional clothes are more important than fashion to our Capricorn goat.

His eyes are focused. Intense but not threatening. His expression is one of intense thought and focus. He’s generally not looking at someone, but rather through someone. He’s not scary or mean, he’s on the side of progress and will jump from camp to camp if it means he can complete something he starts.

Zodiac Super Power

Our Capricorn’s super power are his goggles. He wears them on his head and puts them on when he needs to see details through chaos. He can refine and drill down to the smallest grain of sand in a dust storm. He can focus amid chaotic smoke storms. His goggles act as night vision when others can not see obvious solutions, our Capricorn can. He will put his goggles on and get the job done. His ability to stay calm focused on solutions makes him the most reliable and diligent sign of the Zodiac.

 

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Meeting Dionysus

Meeting Dionysus

by NightOwl

 

“Take a deep, slow breath, and as you exhale, allow yourself to begin to relax.” Sitting on the floor, I began the meditation hoping to meet Dionysus, the god I am dedicated to.

I was leading the meditation that night, for the rest of my circle. I believed I would not go as deeply into trance as I would if someone else were speaking, so I did not really expect to be very successful in meeting my god.

Still, as I began to speak, I found myself drifting deeper and deeper into an altered state of consciousness. Even if I did not meet Dionysus, I felt certain that some teacher or guide would appear for me and reveal something of importance for my life.

The goddess in all her many forms has always been present for me in every aspect of life. A few times a teacher who appeared male has manifested in meditations, but I had not really thought very much about the gods, or about following a god, until I was dedicated to a coven and had to choose one.

My High Priestess suggested Dionysus when I asked for her advice, because of who she knows me to be, and I agreed, but continued to be much more focused on the goddesses and what they were teaching me.

When I am responsible for leading a pathworking (meditation ritual), I seldom expect to fully participate, so I was pleasantly surprised to find myself walking upon a path winding through a beautiful meadow. Birds were singing, insects made small buzzes and chirps. The mingled scents of wildflowers in bloom and other plants flooded my senses. The peace and beauty of the natural world filled me with joy as I walked toward the hill ahead.

Occasionally opening my eyes a tiny slit to check on those following my voice, I was pleased that everyone else appeared relaxed and deep in trance.

The path became steeper as I climbed and I instructed everyone to open their hearts to the one waiting ahead, focusing intention on asking him to appear and advise. A twinge of anxiety made me shiver. The thought intruded that I was being foolish, I was making this all up, that even if everyone else in the group met their god, I would not be worthy to do so.

With the next breath I let go of the tension and fear from those thoughts, remembering that what I do not know is much greater than what I do know, so I was opening my heart in trust and love toward the god awaiting me. Creating a state of pleasant anticipation for whatever lay ahead, I continued to climb the path and mentally call for Dionysus to appear and instruct me.

Finally the path became level. A giant boulder rested directly ahead, and the path circled to the right around it. Seeing it, I described it out loud and said, “When you walk around this huge rock, you will meet your god. Allow yourself to feel happy that you are going to meet him and have this opportunity to learn something important.”

Again fear and doubt vibrated through me, again I began breathing deeply, relaxing my body, and affirming my willingness to be present to whomever or whatever appeared. Much to my surprise, when I walked around the rock, Dionysus stood there smiling at me.

Gasping with shock and joy, I paused for a moment and then slowly moved nearer. I always slow way down when approaching a sacred one, as I am not really sure just how to behave. I definitely try to avoid doing anything that might be annoying to a god. Many years ago when I rushed up to a group of them, demanding answers to questions which were driving me crazy at the time, I was swatted really hard energetically. I hope never to annoy a god again.

Dionysus is so beautiful! He appeared as a young man about 25-30, dressed in a loose fitting toga-like white robe. When he looked into my eyes and smiled, it took my breath away and I staggered from the impact of his energy.

“Thank you for coming here and allowing me to see you,” was all I could manage to think of to say. I somehow remembered to speak out loud to remind everyone to ask their god if he had a gift or advice for them, and mentally asked the same of Dionysus. He smiled more, and as I approached closer, held out a bottle of wine and a loaf of bread, inviting me to eat and drink with him. I accepted the bread but, with much fear said, “I no longer drink alcohol, will you still accept me?”

He laughed and changed the wine to fruit juice, took a drink and offered it to me. I drank some, and ate some bread, while never taking my eyes away from his. He reached out and began caressing my face, my breasts, and then rubbing and stroking my whole body. Again I was finding it difficult to breath.

I reached out to caress him in return as he began changing from a young, slim muscular man to one who was older, fatter, and whose smile became a friendly leer as he rubbed his aroused body against mine. In the next moment, he transformed to another male, and then another, continuing to fondle me and bathe me in his extraordinary energy and passion.

By this time I was almost panting with arousal myself, while observing his changing form with amazement. My own arousal gave me the courage to talk, and I said, “I really like this, and I am honored by your attention, but I wonder if I am not just making this all up to justify my behavior in life. You know, it’s not that I’m a slut, I’m a follower of Dionysus?”

At this he laughed out loud, gently hugged me, and stared so deeply into my eyes that I almost fainted, saying, “You are acting exactly how I wish my priestesses to behave, don’t be afraid,” and laughed again.

Stepping back away from me, he smiled again and held out a pinkish heart-shaped stone, saying, “Here, take this and always remember that sexual ecstasy helps people open their hearts to each other and to the deeper mysteries of life. Sex is one of the greatest creations. It enables two to join and create a third which carries their energy into the future. Ecstasy and celebration make life worth living because they open humans up to the joyous energy of the universe, of creation. Never be afraid to love, or to express that love with another.” Then his form began to slowly fade and disappear.

I turned and walked back around the rock, down the path I had earlier climbed, my mind trying to contain and sort the vastness of what he had shown me. My body was almost in a state of shock from the intensity of his energy. Fortunately I was only walking in my altered state and my body was physically sitting on the floor. I doubt I would have been able to have had this experience standing without falling down. It took a few minutes to return to a more ordinary state of consciousness, but I was able to remember to instruct the others to do so too.

Each of us in the group took a turn in describing what had happened to them, and everyone else had also had an equally powerful experience.

This encounter with the god made me want to know more about him and, I learned that he was Bacchus to the Romans, Lusios the Releaser, and Zagreus – son of Zeus and Persephone who was killed by the Titans and eaten. Athene saved his heart, which was swallowed by Semele, another lover of Zeus, and conceived anew. Hera convinced Semele to trick Zeus into revealing himself in his full glory, which burned Semele to ashes. Zeus rescued Dionysus from her ashes, stitched the unborn babe into his thigh until he was able to be born again, so he is sometimes called twice-born, and Zeus then gave him to the nymphs to raise.

When grown he became the god of all altered states, including drunkenness, religious ecstasy, and celebrations of music, dancing, theater and lustful excess. His male followers were the satyrs, half man and half goat with a horse’s tail, and his female followers were the maenads (mad women). His followers often carry a staff with a pine cone on the end, called a thyrsus, sometimes twined with grape or ivy vines.

The experience I had in this ritual meditation has continued to reverberate through my life and I am deeply honored to express the energy of Dionysus into the world.

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The Third REDE – Lover and Beloved

THE THIRD REDE – LOVER AND BELOVED

For mine is the ecstasy of the spirit, and mine also is joy on earth;
for my law is love unto all beings.

I am the gracious Goddess, who gives the gift of joy unto the heart
of man.

Moondaughter taught us that the ideal relationship is when two beings interact
as lover and beloved. By this she did not necessarily imply a sexual
relationship; in many cases — such as between adults and children or teacher and student — she considered that any sexual relationship would be a violation
of that concern for the welfare of the other which was the essence of the lover/beloved relationship. Nevertheless, the love between the Lord and the Lady
was for her the ideal toward which all relationships should evolve.

According to Moondaughter, joy is not created by an individual alone. Joy is
created when a lover has a relationship with a beloved. The beloved need not be
another person — an artist feels joy both when she has a stimulating vision or
idea as her beloved, and again when her vision or idea stands before her as a
realized work of art. In this, men and women are the children of the Lord and
the Lady, who also feel joy from such relationships. Whether or not the
relationship is sexual, the interaction of lover and beloved unites them into
one being.

The True Will

Moondaughter believed that at some deep level, every being intuitively knows
that joy is produced by relationships between lover and beloved. She taught that
it was from this inner knowledge that the Will of the individual arises. While
an individual may sometimes feel desires to act in ways which are destructive to
others, Moondaughter taught that the Will seeks that joy which is produced only
by harmonious relationships with others.

Since any relationship requires the participation of both self and other, Will
has both the aspect of seeking the welfare of the self and also the aspect of
seeking the welfare of the beloved. According to Moondaughter, these two aspects
of the Will are related and interdependent, not opposed. Since joy comes from
relationships, harming the other in any relationship lessens one’s own joy.

The Ecstasy of the Spirit

According to Moondaughter, it is the nature of Love to seek a beloved to love.
The joy that is produced by the Lord’s love for the Lady and the Lady’s love for
the Lord is beyond human experience, but Love is never satisfied, and so the
Lord and the Lady gave birth children who could respond to Their Love, and give
Them joy, and receive joy from taking Them as beloveds.

My own understanding of this teaching is that as an individual grows in love,
she expands her circle of beloveds until, like the Lord and the Lady, she Wills
the welfare of all that exists. It seems to me that when they first appear
tribalism and nationalism can be healthy stages in this growth, but they can
also become diseases which hold men and women back from a larger, and more
joyful, circle of beloveds.

I know from my own experience that each man and woman can be both lover and
beloved to both the Lord and the Lady, and that the intensity of this
relationship deepens as one brings one’s character into harmony with one’s own
Will. The joy produced by this relationship is beyond words.

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Tips for Surviving Monogamy

Tips for Surviving Monogamy

  • Pamela Madsen

In the top 10 reasons why individuals and couples come to me for intimacy and sexuality coaching is the reality that they have simply stopped having sex. Many think that what they need is “Sexual CPR.” They know it is not because they have stopped loving each other, or even think that they have stopped finding each other sexy. It’s just that they are not “turned on” or excited by each other anymore. The problem is time and togetherness can wear down erotic energy in long-term relationships.

If you are in a long term monogamous relationship, and you have stopped having sex, or sex is very infrequent, you may think you are broken or something is wrong with you or your relationship. It might be comforting to know that you are far from alone.

Sexual boredom and the lack of fire are often the reasons why some people reach outside of their long term relationship even though they are still happy with their partner on all other levels.

In a culture that is obsessed with sex, we ironically provide very little adult sex education. Outside of a myriad of “how to” sex books, there is very little in the way of authentic tools taught to us about how to make sex happen when it stops, and how to make it feel good again.

What we need to learn is that sex needs to become a pleasure that we decide to make happen as opposed to us waiting for the heat of desire to take us over. It can seem awfully boring, and certainly not a NY Times bestseller, to preach about how we need to create time and room for sex in our lives when our hormones are not raging for it. If you are waiting to be swept away by fiery passion in a long term relationship, it is possible you will be waiting a long time for your next sexual experience!

But putting conscious effort into what we think should come naturally can be very uncomfortable for many couples. Even couples who seek sexual coaching can have a lot of trouble doing their homework, because homework means consciously choosing to have a sexual experience. It can feel very awkward and uncomfortable to put sex on the calendar for Wednesday night!

But it is also very empowering to be able to consciously deal with sex as we do with everything else that is important in our lives. When we make room for sex, and put sex on the calendar we are making a very important statement to ourselves and to our partner. In making the commitment to mindful sex, we are also declaring to our partners that not only is sex worthy of our time and attention – but so are they.

Knowing that our partners still find us desirable and are willing to plan to show up for us is incredibly important. That kind of conscious love will not only help fuel our erotic engines again, but all of the other parts of our relationship as well.

The biggest resistance I get from couples around “calendar sex” is that scheduling sex is not “hot sex.” Somehow, if we feel like our love-making is not going to be red hot and smoking, then “Why bother?” The fact is that calender sex may not start as hot sex, but it can start as “warm sex”!

Warm sex can be very nourishing and pleasurable and can reward you in a manner that hot sex can’t. Try thinking about showing up for sex as anticipating and savoring a warm, nourishing, slow-cooked, pleasurable meal. And everybody knows that a pot has to warm up before it can boil.

Sex Educator and Sexological Body Worker, Caffyn Jesse offers these tools for conscious and warm sex:

“Why not experiment with expressing a range of emotions sexually: anger, frolic, naughtiness, mindlessness? We can play doctor, play dominatrix, have sex in a car, have a wild affair with our spouse.

When couples choose to explore the path of pleasure, learning and conscious sexuality, an astonishing richness becomes possible. We can share profound bonding, ecstatic awareness, and infinite variety within a single relationship.”

Mark Semple, an Intimacy, Love and Business Coach suggests “Being gentle with ourselves is essential in this pursuit. Allowing ourselves a timeout from the demands of daily life and family. Ensuring we are our top priority and care for ourselves the way we care for everyone else. Exploring our hearts, minds, spirits and bodies to reconnect with our essence and align with that which does get out passion burning and our juices flowing.”

Allow yourselves to explore pleasure again, and challenge each other to move past your sexual limitations. Do you feel a little fear sharing a long held fantasy with your partner? Try sharing it and see what happens! Have you ever experimented with your partner with one-way touch and sensual massage? Bring out the oil! Give yourself the room to explore all of the various ways you can allow pleasure into your life.

You can welcome sex back into your relationship. You don’t have to wait until you solve all of the problems that occur in a long term relationship. Don’t be stalemated by old conflicts, grudges, and who did the dishes last. You might be surprised to discover that when you welcome sex back into your relationship in a conscious and warm way – all of those old issues may start to feel less important after all.

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