Nightmares of the Zodiac
What’s your Sun sign’s deepest fear?
It’s that time of year again, when Americans like to scare themselves with ghosts, goblins and the rest of Halloween’s spooky tomfoolery. You might call it our annual fear fest, but are these truly our worst fears? Of course not. To find qualms that really make our skin crawl, we need to dig a little deeper.
Take a look at these zodiac sign nightmares and see if they don’t send a shiver up your spine.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You are at the end of a long line hiking up a tall mountain. The group’s leaders are Virgos, arguing about which way to go, while everyone else plods along at a snail’s pace. You’re going to have to push your way to the head of the line and stage a coup … or tear your hair out. Which will it be?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Wait a minute … whose car is that in your garage? Okay, the one you had was breaking down every other day and you were thinking about replacing it … but it was a comfy jalopy and, besides, you hadn’t finished your research. Now someone has gone and made up your mind for you. That’s not fair!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Can’t someone just change that muzak? If orchestral string covers weren’t bad enough, you work in a room all alone, your iPhone is dead and you can’t even get your browser to load. Communication breakdown … your private version of hell … has finally come true.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
As you open your door, your friends shout “surprise!” It’s your birthday and they’ve got an all-you night planned. As you squeeze between co-workers you barely know, they start projecting a PowerPoint featuring your naked baby pictures, every bad hairdo and ugly date you’ve ever had, plus your fat phase.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
Amidst booing and hissing, olives and cocktail umbrellas flying through the air … you’re cowering on a karaoke stage after what you thought was a knockout rendition of Wild Thing. Returning to your table, you find your date has bailed and left a napkin note telling you what a complete loser you are.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
You’re behind a counter, facing a long line of angry customers waiting to tell you in detail about everything that’s wrong with the product you designed. That’s right, the one you slaved over for years and were sure would be a best seller. They don’t want exchanges or refunds … they want your head!
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
Your partner’s quirks have been gnawing on your last nerve for what seems like eons. You’re about to explode when … sure enough, like clockwork … he/she pulls one more stunt. Arms flailing, screaming at the top of your lungs, you lunge for his/her throat. So much for your famous emotional control, Libra.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
You trust your new sweetie implicitly, but that doesn’t keep you from indulging in a little snooping while he/she is in the shower. Rummaging through bedside drawers, you discover a set of sexy underwear you’ve never seen before. Two can play at this game, you vow, as you plot your revenge.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
The jury has come back with its verdict and you’re guilty. You’ll be spending the next decade of your life in one place. But don’t worry … it’s a minimum-security prison with a lovely view of the freeway. You can still dream about all the places you’ll travel when you get parole.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Who’s that waving his finger in your face? Why, it’s that guy you used to supervise before your job was outsourced. Now you’re wearing stonewashed jeans and sitting at a tiny workstation in a row of cubicles that never ends. What happened to your Gucci suits and private corner office?
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
A security guard meets you at the entrance to your new workplace and whisks you away to a room where you undergo a complete makeover. When you’re finally escorted into your new office, you discover everyone looks exactly like you. Next on your newbie schedule … brainwashing!
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20)
You hear a loud knocking on your door and open it to find three IRS men ready to rip into your tax return. They want you to account for every latte expense you listed and are suspicious of your self-employed income, too. Tearfully, you open the shoebox where you shoved your receipts to face the sorting and organizing you dread.