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the daily humorscopes for saturday, july 7

    the daily humorscope     

Saturday, July 07, 2012

 

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Today you will find the word “impecunious” popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you’ll go look it up in the dictionary.

 

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as “classic” rock. Believe me, that’s not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the “big elbow” look.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.

 

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Remember: Unexpressed feelings don’t die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don’t hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won’t have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.

 

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You’ll find that is particularly true, this week.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Once you’re that far behind, there’s really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok.

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.

 

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.

 

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you’ll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.

 

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I’ll bet it’s something good!

 

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

You’ve got to learn to slow down. You’re driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip.

 

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

Your concern about the International Space Station may not be one that NASA has considered, despite how obvious it seems to you. I’d go ahead and send them a note: “Never serve beans in space.”

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the daily humorscopes for thursday, june 21

the daily humorscope

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

You will tell a total stranger that you’re “sick and tired of salad”, today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Extremely poor day to use obscure euphemisms or medical metaphors. In particular, avoid “kajoobies” or “shvontz” like the plague.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an “off” batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it?

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know – the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They’ll come in handy soon, although I’m not sure how.

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won’t know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

Beware of short people.

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

Good day to avoid pickled herring.

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

Your main problem? You’re not eating NEARLY enough strudel.

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