6 Tips for Less Stress & More Joy This Season

• Dr. Tamar Chansky

The clock is ticking toward the holidays, and  two very different feelings  are flashing on your emotional news feed:  impending joy and impending doom.

OK, maybe doom is overstating it; dread may be closer to the mark.  But let’s  face it, many of us are finding ourselves up at 3:00 in the  morning checking  our to-do lists and reviewing incessantly the parade of  possible catastrophes:  “Will my brined turkey be a disaster?” “Will  everyone be happy with their  gifts?” “How much weight (and debt) am I  going to gain?” “What if my family  doesn’t get along?” “What if I’m not  ready?” “What if I totally fail?!” Wait,  are we preparing for the  holidays — or final exams?

It doesn’t have to be this way.

It’s time to change our relationship with the holidays. We don’t have  to  break up with them, but just know that as with all things anxiety,  the holidays  aren’t the problem; it’s the story in our head about the  holidays that needs to  change.

So, don’t gather up the mistletoe or menorahs, waiting for that  starting gun  to say: “On your mark, get set, stress!” Instead, put down  the supplies, take  off your running shoes, and change your expectations.

The holidays are not a control-freak boss or a mother-in-law poised  with a  perfection-sensor critiquing your every move — more likely,  you’re doing that  number on yourself. The holidays are an opportunity —  your opportunity — to  acknowledge and celebrate in the ways that you  would like.

So, this year, give a gift to yourself. Be daring. Choose how you  want to  celebrate this season. Yes, you do have many choices in the  matter. Whether  that’s a tailgating party, a marathon family reading of The Hobbit,  or  the more traditional hot cider in front of the fire, don’t let the  anxious  chatter — “You should, you must, you’ve failed!” — ruin it for  you. Find your  own meaning, there are no right or wrong answers. If  it’s real to you, it’s  real.

Here are six ways to help you have more joy and less stress this holiday  season:

Get Specific and Fact-Check Your Worry

If the mantra in your head is: “I have to make this the most perfect  holiday  ever,” it’s time to release yourself from the impossible. The  constant worry  that this thought generates is sure to distract you — if  not derail you — from  enjoying what is. Take a minute and on one side  of a piece of a paper write  down what your worries are about the  holidays. Your worst picture of what could  go wrong. Then, on the other  side of the page, write down your answers to a  different question: What  do you think will actually happen? Or, put another  way: The next  morning, how do you think things will have actually turned out?  Pick up  the paper and read it from time to time, then notice what happens in   your body when you read your answers to those second questions. It’s  like  someone unplugged you from the stress machine and you’ve tapped  into the truth.  Make sure there’s room for reality in your head and at  your holiday table.

Don’t Script, Live

If you back up and look at the most cherished moments from holiday  times in  the past — the raucous game of charades or football, the quiet  moment when  everyone was happily entertaining themselves in the living  room while the snow  was falling out the window. What happened before those moments? It  wasn’t that anyone said, “Hey, let’s make memories  here — let’s all sit in the  living room and occupy ourselves  contentedly, okay?” Things just evolved. So as  much as it is great to  have plans and ideas, flexibility, spontaneity and being  open to what  might happen provide the greatest possibilities.

Let the Mistakes Be… New Traditions?

Forgot the cranberry sauce? Maybe a guest has a great idea for how to   innovate an alternative. Miscounted the spaces at the table? A  Christmas picnic  or a lighthearted impromptu game of musical chairs  before sitting for dinner  might be the memory that sticks for people —  and may give birth to a new  tradition.

One holiday bonding experience happened one year when we were hosting   Christmas dinner for friends and discovered that our kitchen had a  mouse. We  called our friends and asked if we could bring food to their  house and cook  there. The last-minute change, the pulling together in a  pinch, solidified our  friendship. Mistakes and glitches are often the  shortest distance between two  people if you have the right spirit about  it.

Pace Yourself and Schedule in Down-Time

Having a week off for the holidays can feel like winning the lottery:  You’re  flush with time and yet, like winning the lottery, when you  start divvying up  the pot of who is going to get what– or, in holiday  break terms, who you’re  going to see when — you may end up feeling  broke, with nothing left for you.  Rather than end winter vacation  feeling like you need a vacation, do what  marathoners do. Pace yourself.  Schedule in some coasting time. Would you like  to sit and read the  paper (or similar) once during the holidays? Put it in your  calendar.  Block out the time and enjoy. Repeat when possible.

Finding Joy: Savoring the Moment

I like to think about the one thing that I want to notice during the   holidays. Yes, I know I’m scripting it ahead, but bear with me — my  ability to  live in a clutch-free or cling-free manner of zen  present-centeredness is still  under construction. For me, it’s noticing  that moment at the holiday table when  everyone is contentedly eating and  conversation is flowing and my only wish is  exactly what I am  experiencing right then. Sometimes that picture doesn’t  happen, and  something else happens that hits that spot. Be on the look out for  that  one moment where you stop worrying about what’s next and you’re   thoroughly savoring what is.

Turn the Focus Outward: Help Others

Anxiety and worry turn the focus inward — the critic in your head  has a  strong bias toward “that’s not good enough.” Unplug that  microphone, get out of  the spotlight and focus on others: Volunteer time  if you’ve got it, contribute  if you don’t. It doesn’t have to be a pot  of gold, donating clothing or canned  goods can make a great difference  to a family in need.

So this year, forego the worry and give yourself more breathing room. In  so  doing, you will give joy, gratitude, and contentedness a wider berth  to find  their way into your life for the holidays and beyond.

Copyright Tamar Chansky, Ph.D., author of Freeing Yourself from Anxiety (DaCapo, 2012).