the daily humorscope
Friday, July 13, 2012
(March 21 – April 19)
You will find solace, and it won’t look at all like you expected.
(April 20 – May 20)
Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.
(May 21 – June 20)
Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbors will volunteer to pay for lessons. It’s selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom.
(June 21 – July 22)
Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck.
(July 23 – August 22)
You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may actually be a gopher.
(August 23 – September 22)
You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.
(September 23 – October 22)
You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you “Sven”. Humor them — act impressed that they know your “real” name.
(October 23 – November 21)
You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach “Mo’s Leather Emporium”. Don’t take it lightly.
(November 22 – December 21)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
(December 22 – January 20)
Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You’ll need to use Tip #39 of my book “101 Ways To Break The Ice”: Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as “YOU’RE Bill Smith???” “Uh, yes” “Well, you sure can’t believe everything you hear, can you?” “What do you mean?” “Well, it’s just that you don’t look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all.”
(January 21 – February 18)
You will come up with a theory about people – that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That’s why I’m on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I’d avoid Alice.
(February 19 – March 20)
What fun! You’ll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a “pink slip”. Sounds like party attire to me!