the daily humorscope
Friday, June 22, 2012
(March 21 – April 19)
A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what’s wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter “nothing, it’s nothing.”
(April 20 – May 20)
Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it…
(May 21 – June 20)
You will receive a painful bonk on the head, today, while riding the bus downtown. It’s your own fault, though, for sitting in front of that trombone player.
(June 21 – July 22)
Good day to make sure you are prepared for a big earthquake. Get bottled water, a first-aid kit, canned food, flashlights, transistor radio, sturdy hiking boots, and a feather boa.
(July 23 – August 22)
(August 23 – September 22)
E-coli. It’s what’s for dinner!
(September 23 – October 22)
Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.
(October 23 – November 21)
Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone’s been teasing your cat.
(November 22 – December 21)
Your neighbours will have a wild party, which you’ll catch glimpses of through the open window. You’ll know you shouldn’t watch, but it’s just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.
(December 22 – January 20)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.
(January 21 – February 18)
Uh oh. “Bursting into song day”, again. Your friends will avoid you.
(February 19 – March 20)
Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.