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the daily humorscopes for monday, may 14th
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, “if you ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven’s sake, don’t forget the twine.
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Don’t go out today, without a spatula. I can’t say more.
People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoically endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.
An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He’ll pretend it was an accident.
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as “Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior”, and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
You should learn something from your cat — no matter what you’ve done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it.