the daily humorscope
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under “Florists, Reputable.”
Beware of rodents.
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.
You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won’t be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won’t really know if you’re a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You’ll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you… (That part is true.)
You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it “Ze Bra.”
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Today you will seek out new life, and new civilisations. You won’t find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.
Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.
Avoid yodelling today.
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)