the daily humorscope
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like “Arrrr.”
(April 20 – May 20)
You will snidely snicker at someone today. That’s not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.
(May 21 – June 20)
You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven’s sake, don’t forget the twine.
(June 21 – July 22)
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren’t you? It’s even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination – mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.
(July 23 – August 22)
Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble “What?” while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.
(August 23 – September 22)
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.
(September 23 – October 22)
You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze”. You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.
(October 23 – November 21)
Today will mark the first time you’ve ever actually “wrestled” a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.
(November 22 – December 21)
You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don’t be taken in by appearances — it’s actually a mutant from outer space.
(December 22 – January 20)
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Villiage Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.
(January 21 – February 18)
You’ve always felt, like Emerson, that the unexaminged life is not worth living. There’s no need to use a microscope, however.
(February 19 – March 20)
Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there’s every reason to believe you’ll become much better soon!