the daily humorscope
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do.” (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Ever had one of those times when you ask someone “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and they say “Crunchy things?” Soon, you will.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under “Florists, Reputable”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Avoid alternative music, today. Also, try to find what’s making that nasty smell in the fridge, before it gets worse.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that’s not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to “The Mongol Horde”, you might take notice.