Mail Order Witchcraft

National Enquirer runs my advertisements
Even though last week the revoked my license
Hexes and Love Spells for $9.95
It’s this kind of garbage that keeps me alive

(Doot-Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot-Doot)

I’ll sell you crosses and religious icons
I buy them wholesale, I get them in Taiwan
Copy my spells from off bathroom walls
Write them in Latin, my fans are enthralled

Mail Order Witchcraft, it’s a living, and I’m doing well
I claim tax exemption because of a religion and then I just sell, sell, sell

)O( )O( )O( )O( )O(

Crowley’s the author of my favorite spell
For summoning demons up out of Hell
Wasn’t poetic, I changed it a pinch…
Last one to use it has not been seen since

(Doot-Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot-Doot,
Doot-Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot-Doot)

I’ve written a book about spells and their uses
Catching familiars in spell-woven nooses
Changing your husband into a small pup
It’s all quite authentic, I made it all up

Mail Order Witchcraft, it’s a living, and writing is not hard
I’ve written booklets and pamphlets and novels, I’m thinking of greeting cards

)O( )O( )O( )O( )O(

I’m quite advanced, I’ve even made Elder
Though at the seminar they made us swelter
Took me three days but I got my degree
For a nominal fee you can get yours from me

(Doot-Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot-Doot,
Doot-Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot-Doot)

My Wiccan acquaintances cause a sensation
Claiming that I’ve ruined their reputation
I think that’s nonsense, just jealous I fear
What I learned in three days has taken them years

Mail Order Witchcraft, it’s a living, my clientele is large
I’ll accept cash, money order or Visa, I even take Master Charge

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